Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Naughty 19


Title: Naughty 19
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Two Guns and a Knife
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Humor/Romance
Published: 01-29-12, Updated: 05-14-12
Chapters: 35, Words: 12,758
Chapter 1: Just Do It
Carpe Diem. Take the risk. Live your life. Grasp the chance. Seize the day. Life is too short and too precious to live in regret or dream away. Stephanie Plum, the 30-something blue-eyed wild-haired bounty hunter who wanted to be Wonder Woman when growing up, nods to herself in the dim darkness, and, with steel determination, reaches out a shaking hand toward the all too perfect Promised Land, and bravely grabs hold of it.
"Babe," Ricardo Carlos Manoso, aka Ranger, the former elite special-forces officer who's still indisputably the elite of the elite, the best of the best, eats drug lords, human traffickers and their thugs and minions as snacks, slams villains and criminals into walls for pleasure, with one single punch knocked one certain hairy Italian Stallion out colder than a dead frozen fish and smashed his jaw into many tiny pieces, and who now, finally, does relationship, half whispers, half sighs as his live-in girlfriend gropes his butt. "We're inside Joyce Barnhardt's closet."
And? Silently the twinkling, dreamy turquoise blue eyes he loves so much whisper back. He almost never denies her anything when she looks at him like this. So he caves, and gives in.
~End of Kiss 1: Just Do It~
Chapter 2: Three is Company? ? ?
"Aloha, Mr. Joseph Morelli." The 6' 5", 250-pound, Samoan version of pure male perfection who looks just like The Rock flashes a 350 Watt white-tooth smile at the extremely depressed and frustrated hairy haggard Jersey man sitting rigidly on the cheap plastic chair in front of him. "Have a nice trip back to your little town Trenton, and don't forget to say thank you to Mr. Manoso for kindly agreeing not to press charge against your sorry ass." The pair of beautiful yet steel-cold onyx-black eyes then hold Morelli prisoner for 10 uncomfortable seconds before the Hawaiian police detective softly continues. "And keep in mind that we do have laws here in Hawaii, Detective."
And just like that, Joseph A. Morelli, the Iatlian Stallion whose badly broken jaw still hurts like bloody hell and who, from time to time, still feels dizzy because of the concussion Ranger gave him, books himself an economic class seat on the next indirect flight back to Newark Airport while burning with rage, fury and indignity, and swears to revenge.
~End of Kiss 2: Three is Company? ? ? ~
Chapter 3: It's Alright to Snicker, You Know
Maria Angelica Giovanni, the 43-year-old hard-working, law-abiding brown-eyed blonde born and raised in a small conservative Catholic Italian neighborhood, takes both her life and her job very, very seriously. She prides herself immensely for never ever one day being late for school and work in her life, as well as for being a most vigilant TSA agent at Los Angeles Airport. Over the years, she has pulled aside God knows how many angry, upset, embrassed, frustrated, outraged and extremely indignant female and male passengers for a pat-down in the name of National Security. Yes, Agent Giovanni does believe without a trace of doubt that everyone should make sacrifice for the Greater Good, and personal inconvenience is nothing compared to the importance of protecting your own country from all kinds of criminals, terrorists and aliens. She was also born with great instincts, and has no problem whatsoever smelling anything and anyone suspicious and fishy from 100 miles away. Therefore, it is all righteous and natural that she spots the tall, dark, lean, haggard and dangerous-looking man in the noisy and busy crowd right away.
And the moment Trenton police detective Joseph A. Morelli snaps out of his Great Plan of Revenge and unconsciously reaches inside his pocket for his Id and badge, the always extra-alert female TSA agent has already shouted out warnings to the security guards and, in a blink of an eye, our most favorite Italian Stallion is face down on the floor with his arms pinned behind his back, and thus is forced to spend another 22 hours sitting on a cheap, hard, uncomfortable plastic chair inside a small windowless interrogation room in the bright, beautiful City of Angels. And yes, his still broken jaw did hit the floor and is once again hurting like Hell.
~End of Kiss 3: It's Alright to Snicker, You Know~
Chapter 4: Everything I Do, I Do It For You
The long, extremely unpleasant history between Stephanie Plum and Joyce Barnhardt is way beyond complicated, twisted and ugly, and now it has almost become one of the Burg's greatest legends. It was hate at first sight for both little girls, and over the years, much to the joy of the eager excited audience, the mutual resentment has grown even stronger. And the two of them have never ever once stopped competing, elbowing, kicking, and stunning each other since what happened on Stephanie Orr's dining table. However, at this moment, Stephanie knows without a trace of doubt that she is the authentic ultimate winner after all. She's so happy that she almost purrs as she holds the old rusty round cookie box with both hands and leans back against Ranger's delicious muscular chest, and with a sweet happy smile admits to herself that it was not the box that made her want to purr, actually.
~End of Kiss 4: Everything I Do, I Do It For You~
Chapter 5: Fee Fi Fo Fum
Life as a gold digger here in this city can sometimes be a real mean bitch. The 30-someting red-haired curvy sexy woman lets out a tired sigh and unlocks her front door. The cost(makeups, costumes, props, toys, plastic surgeries and all the other kinds of baits) is high, the work is boring and tedious, and the profit is simply not as satisfying as it should be(so far she only gets 4 diamond rings, 6 diamond necklaces, 1.5 dozens or so rings and jeweled bracelets, 2 houses, 3 cars, some bonds and some cash). She does think about moving to the Big City from time to time, but she hears that the competition is much, much tougher there, so she makes up her mind and decides to stay in her home town and tries her luck.
She kicks off her scarlet ankle high-heeled boots, drops her shopping bags onto her bright red zebra-print couch, goes into her crimson leopard-print kitchen to grab a bottle of Bling H2O, enters her Gone With The Wind style bedroom, yawns, freezes, and sniffs the air suspiciously. Yes, something smells different in here. Something sweet, someting tasty, something elegant, enchanting...and familiar...
Must be that new cheese cake factory opened not far from here last week. Yum. Joyce Barnhardt licks her lips, strips herself naked, and goes into her pink Hello Kitty themed bathroom for a long hot shower.
~End of Kiss 5: Fee Fi Fo Fum~
Chapter 6: One Day in Batman's Life
Ranger drops Stephanie off at her best friend's house and gives his head an almost undetectable shake as Mary Lou gives out a happy shriek at the sight of the old cookie box in Stephanie's hand, and both women start laughing and jumping up and down like a pair of little girls. A tiny smile sneaks onto Ranger's face as he drives back toward RangeMan. Sometimes he simply can't believe he and Stephanie are the same age. But, nevertheless, he loves to see her so happy. To be honest, he still feels guilty from time to time for not being able to give her a ring, and he's still unsure if he will ever be family material or feel comfortable enough to make that leap, but he's trying his best. Moving in together was not a part of their original deal. But after the incident with the human trafficker, he realized that he really didn't want to take any more chances. So, with one soul-melting kiss and that ever so powerful "please", he successfully made a dreamy-eyed, flushed-cheeked Stephanie nod her head, pack her bags, grab Rex, and moved in with him. All in under 11 minutes.
He parks his car at the usual spot, heads towards his 5th floor office and quickly focuses his thoughts back on his busy schedule and all the things on his To-Do list. He is not a successful businessman and top-notch mercenary for nothing. He always thinks, plans ahead and is well-prepared. He also has eyes and ears everywhere. He knows Morelli is on his way back here, and he is ready to deal with the battered Hairy Italian Stallion.
~End of Kiss 6: One Day in Batman's Life~
Chapter 7: Bad Luck Never Comes Alone
The battered Hairy Italian Stallion buys himself yet another cup of thin overpriced airport cappuccino and yet another greasy overpriced airport cheeseburger, and once again sighs his signature irritated sigh. He sits down at a corner table, bites into his lukewarm cheeseburger, and immediately moans in pain as his teeth meet the crunchy pickles. Damn! How many times does he have to tell them not to put pickles on his burger? He wipes away his tears and puts a hand over his now twitching eye. Yes, he's still at the Los Angeles airport. And yes, his jaw still hurts like hell whenever he chews something hard or speaks for too long. Thanks to that annoying, crazy, overreacting TSA agent, he missed his original flight, and had to book another seat on the next plane back to Newark. And guess what? His plane is delayed.
Joe Morelli takes a sip of his tasteless cappuccino to hide his frustration and all of a sudden feels like crying. He has never felt so tired and helpless in his life, And now he is THIS close to start feeling like he's cursed, or something even worse. He misses his mother's Fettuccine Alfredo. He misses Pino's pizzas and subs. He misses his lovely cozy two-story little house. He misses his big goofy playful orange dog. Hell, he even misses his mad Grandma. A drop of tear falls down Morelli's cheek. And this time he makes no attempt to wipe it and just lets it fall.
Oh God, please have mercy on him and let him go home.
~End of Kiss 7: Bad Luck Never Comes Alone~
Chapter 8: Treasure Island
Miss Annabel Lee Valentine, Stephanie and Mary Lou's—and sadly Joyce Barnhardt's, too—old high school literature teacher who passed away at the early age of 59 more than 16 years ago, was a hopeless romantic. She loved all kinds of adventures, adored every single pirates, and introduced the wide-eyed girls not only to the amazing world of classical and modern literature masterpieces, but also to the enchanting universe of cheap paperback romance novels. She was especially fond of Stephanie, always chuckled at her unique point of view, and awarded her with encouragement and good grades. And then one day, just after Joe the Rat Bastard Morelli wrote about Stephanie on the walls of a public bathroom and skipped town like the shameless rat that he was, Miss Valentine gave a crestfallen, puffy-eyed Stephanie a sealed round tin cookie box and told her that there was a treasure map inside. She then gave the girl a warm hug and asked her to keep her chin up and go find a way to open the box and search for the treasure.
But sadly, neither the both of them took notice of the red-haired girl hiding in a shadowed corner eavesdropping their conversation. And when Stephanie opened her locker after school, the small tin box was already gone. The kind-hearted Miss Valentine died of heart attack that very night in a fancy French restaurant when her long-time fiancé surprised her with a diamond ring and a proposal. And thus Stephanie Plum never knew what was inside the box, nor what the treasure was...
~End of Kiss 8: Treasure Island~
Chapter 9: Don't Worry, Be Happy
Being a mother is never easy. Helen Plum winces and suppresses the compelling urge to do an eye roll openly, and quickly goes back into her kitchen for the two plates of chocolate chip cookies served as dessert. She really hopes her elder daughter Valerie, now a mid-thirty, 179-pound mother of 4 young girls, can stop babytalking sweet nonsense to Albert the Clown like they are the last two human beings on Planet Earth in front of the whole family—no, not the whole family, Helen reminds herself with a frustrated sigh as she feels the familiar headache building behind her eyes. Stephanie is not here.
Helen hasn't seen or heard from her younger daughter since the day Stephanie dropped the bomb on her and escaped like Hell was on fire. And she's been hearing all kinds of crazy stories and rumours about Stephanie and her new...boyfriend for the past several weeks. Helen absentmindedly picks up a cookie and starts eating. She actually thought about telling Stephanie to come back and take that pineapple upside down cake away after her talk with Frank, but she decided to eat it all by herself instead. It wasn't her fault, really. Helen thinks defiantly and fights the sudden pang of guilt creeping into her conscience. She was the one who'd spent all the time and effort to bake the cake, and she was still in shock and very depressed at that time. Besides, being a daughter, mother, and wife at the same time is so darn hard. Isn't she entitled to some happiness, goodies and luxury once in a while? Does she not even deserve one single perfectly baked tasty homemade cake?
"Stop worrying. It's her life to live". Helen Plum picks up a second cookie and put it into her mouth as she remembers the tenderness and understanding in her husband's eyes that afternoon. "Everything will be just fine". She lets out a long breath, squares her shoulders, picks up the plates and heads back toward the noisy dining room. She hopes Frank was right. She prays that Ranger is the right man for her younger daughter. She just wants Stephanie to be happy. And she really, really needs everything to be more than just fine.
~End of Kiss 9: Don't Worry, Be Happy~
Chapter 10: Everybody Has A Story
Joyce Barnhardt tosses and turns on her antique four-poster bed as if she's having a most terrible nightmare, and wakes up abruptly screaming in fury. She jumps out of bed and runs toward her huge walk-in closet without pulling the red silk robe over her naked body(like every other devoted follower of Marilyn Monroe, Joyce wears only 5 drops of Chanel No. 5 to bed every night). She finally recognizes the sweet familiar scent she smelled hours ago in her bedroom. It was not peach cheese cake. It was not lemon cheese cake. It was not chocolate and blueberry cheese cake. It was her sworn enemy. It was her lifetime rival. It was Stephanie Plum.
With a sinking, panicking heart, Joyce starts throwing all her belongings out of her way until she reaches a shaking hand into the secret compartment in the lowest drawer of the antique handmade Venetian bureau once owned by her ex-great-grandmother-in-law. She then lets out a raspy sob when she finds her treasured tin cookie box gone, leans back against the closet wall crying like the 13-year-old frightened, heartbroken red-haired girl who lost her virginity one moonless summer night on a patch of green grass behind the gym to the most popular and dangerous 15-year-old boy famed for his melted-chocolate eyes and lizard tongue, and all of a sudden becomes furious and craves for blood and revenge.
19 hours and 43 minutes later, a bone-tired Joseph A. Morelli tumbles out of the red eye plane, hails a cab, arrives back at his sweet lovely two-story home, and freezes like a zombie as his exhausted bloodshot eyes fall on his beloved castle. He doesn't know when he drops his luggage. He doesn't know when he opens his mouth like a dying eel. He doesn't know when he crumbles to his knees. He doesn't know when he breaks out in snots and tears and whines "Why Me?" like the perfect, standard Burg housewife he always wants to marry.
Someone had just written "Rat Bastard" all over the front of his beautiful house with blood red paint in big ugly letters. And the one and only true love of his life, his ultimate pride and joy, his treasured Ducati, is now but a lifeless pile of crumpled metal on his doorstep...
~End of Kiss 10: Everybody Has A Story~
Chapter 11: If Only It's That Easy
Who did it? Joseph A. Morelli sits on his chewed up couch and racks his brain trying to find an answer to the Million Dollar Question.
He can't eat. He can't sleep. He is now more paranoid than Melman the Giraffe, and more jumpy than Peter Rabbit. Who hates him this much? Who holds such a grudge against him? Is it someone from the mob? Is it someone from the street gangs? Is it someone he arrested? What has he done to deserve this? And what kind of heartless beast could do this? He thinks of his beloved Ducati and once again feels like crying. He blinks hard to force back his burning tears. He hates feeling like crying. He hates feeling so tired. He hates feeling so exhausted. He wishes he can find the answers to all his questions. He wishes he can stop feeling so damn hopeless. And he hates himself for feeling so helpless.
Get a grip! He orders himself. Stop whining and bitching like a woman in her period. You are Joseph A. Morelli. You're a highly-trained police detective. You're good at what you do for a living. You will find whoever is responsible for this. He nods to himself bravely and feels new hopes rising inside him. Yes, Joseph, you will make that person pay. You will find justice for your Ducati...
A single tear rolls down his cheek. Another one soon follows. And it doesn't take long for Joe Morelli to once again break down and howl like a newborn baby. Damn. He really, really doesn't want to cry but, alas, he simply can't help it.
~End of Kiss 11: If Only It's That Easy~
Chapter 12: Let the Fun Begin
Miss Valentine might be a didecated and beloved high school literature teacher, but she sure was no master craftsman. The tin cookie box was simply sealed first with hot glue and then in layers of tapes. And the only reason Joyce Barnhardt did not pry it open by force after she took it home was that she too, just like Stephanie and the rest of the class, adored old fun goofy Miss Valentine. It may be hard to believe and contrary to common belief, but truth is, Joyce Barnhardt was not born an evil Skank. She was just an unhappy teenage girl extremely jealous of Stephanie Plum. Joyce hated—and still does, mind you—Stephanie for having a caring, if not constantly nagging, mother. She hated Stephanie for having a father who always came home on time for dinner. She hated Stephanie for having so many friends around her. She hated Stephanie for always, always having the spotlight and everyone's attention. And most of all, Joyce hated Stephanie for being the one Joe Morelli wrote about on the public bathroom walls. If she couldn't make the boy she always wanted smile or even look at her, no one else could have his attention. No one.
So it didn't take long for Joyce to decide to steal the box. She then chose not to damage it or throw it away, and kept it hidden in her closet. Sometimes, when the night was too dark or life was too much, she would take it out of its hiding place, held it close to her lonely heart and pretended she was Miss V's favorite student, and thus its rightful owner. And then the mere thought of the desperate, sorrowful look on Stephanie Plum's face that day would bring the needed smile to Joyce's too pale tear-stricken face and grant her a good night's sleep.
But of course, Stephanie, poor Joyce's much-hated enemy, is oblivious to all of these. And both she and Mary Lou frowned in confusion the moment they managed to open the tin cookie box and saw the piece of paper lying inside.
PR4167J32000
What the heck is that?
~End of Kiss 12:Let the Fun Begin~
Chapter 13: The Man Of Mystery
PR4167J32000
Stephanie stares at it until her eyes grow sore and decides to go to sleep. Who knows, she yawns and stretches, maybe her dream will give her a hint. She turns off the light in Ranger's small office, goes into the spotless bathroom to brush her teeth, and remembers just in time to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom like Ranger always does. Sometimes she can't help thinking that living with a man like Ranger is not easy. Everyting in his life is simple and systematic and has its reasonable and rightful place. He likes his living space tidy and orderly instead of comfy and cozy. He never ever kicks off his shoes in different directions and leaves them there on the floor like a pair of roadkills so that he can trip over them the next morning. He never ever drops his shoulder bag and purse and wallet and phone and keys wherever he feels like dropping them and goes to take a nap and then wakes up totally forgetting where he put these things. And he doesn't snore. He doesn't drool. He doesn't even talk in his sleep. Stephanie puts on her pajamas, casts another glance at the sleek black bedside clock, blows a mint and green tea scented sigh, and slides under the heavenly soft, warm blanket. And even though Ranger never admits it, he's definitely a workaholic.
2 hours and 36 minutes later, Ranger picks up the piece of thick fine yellowed paper and looks at the code written in elegant handwriting for a brief minute, and smiles his trademark maybe-there-if-you-look-closely-enough smile. He places the paper back inside the cookie box, closes the lid, and pulls the blanket over a sightly snoring Stephanie. Once again she's sleeping on his side of their bed with one arm wrapped around his pillow in the cute little black pajamas he likes a lot. He bends to give her a soft tender kiss as she mumbles something in her sleep. She sometimes reminds him of a family cat. Curious, adorable, and trusting. "Good luck, have fun, Babe." He whispers and goes to take a shower.
And yes, he knows what PR4167J32000 means.
~End of Kiss 13:The Man Of Mystery~
Chapter 14: Eureka!
Being a full-time stay-home mom and housewife at the same time can be really complicated. Mary Lou Stankovic sighs and wishes her building headache can just turn around, go away and leave her alone. It's only a few minutes after 6 in the morning, but she's already up to prepare breakfast and lunch boxes for Lenny and their elder children. Yes, Mary Lou knows all about the problems with school lunch today as well as what calorie-laden fast-food lunch will do to a middle aged man's waist size, and she honestly prefers to have healthy school-age children and a just-slightly-out-of-shape husband. Besides, she's a pretty good cook. She knows how much her family will enjoy a tasty balanced homemade lunch, and a few hours' shortage of sleep is not such a big deal compared to the smiles on their faces. But still. She sometimes forgets how many kids she really has, and more than sometimes looks at one of the kids and then all of a sudden forgets the poor child's name—NO! it's definitely not that she's not a good mother. She just gets too busy and too tired sometimes and gets a little bit confused in return—and she can't help secretly hoping that her life can be as exciting and full of surprises as Stephanie's when she has to get up in dark freezing winter mornings.
Mary Lou hopes her best friend can solve the mystery. It was sheer luck that she overheard Joyce Barnhardt and one of her few close friends' conversation that day in the newly open café. She still can't believe she actually supressed the urge to cheer and do a happy dance on the spot and raced out immediately to her car and called Stephanie instead. She wonders what the code really means as she puts the chopped vegetables into the hot pan. It rang a bell to her somehow...Lenny Stankovic jerks awake, falls out the bed, and blinks wildly in confusion as his wife's shrill happy scream wakes up their children and several neighbors.
Yes, Mary Lou Stankovic, Stephanie Plum's loyal and best friend ever, just realizes what PR4167J32000 means.
~End of Kiss 14:Eureka!~
Chapter 15: Jane! Jane! Jane!
PR4167. J32000.
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë. The ultimate romantic classical novel of all time. A woman's struggle and quest to find her true self and true love. A great, touching, and sometimes frustrating story with a HEA. Trenton Public Library has 8 copies, and every one of them has a slip of the same thick, fine, yellowed paper stuck between the pages where the heartbroken heroine heard the man she loved calling her name. Stephanie looks at the familiar beautiful elegant handwriting on the paper slip and smiles as she thinks of all the happy time she spent in that particular classroom. She's not surprised that none of the paper slips are missing, though. People here in Jersey are not very big on reading anything other than horse race tips, and several parents actually complained when Miss Valentine insisted that all her students needed to have a Trenton Public Library card, so that the kids could broaden their horizons and benefit from great writers' wisdom as well as learn from their mistakes. Mary Lou, a most faithful reader of classical romantic novels, used to ask Stephanie to accompany her to the library every Saturday, until the good-looking, nice, and ever-not-so-bright Lenny finally caught the drift, asked Mary Lou out for a date, and then officially took over Stephanie's job the very next weekend. Stephanie quickly wipes away a drop of tear and takes a hardcover copy of Jane Eyre off the shelf. She has no idea she misses the kind old teacher this much, but she knows it will definitely be fun to read Jane Eyre while snuggling next to Ranger in their king size bed and humming the special song.
The paper slip in Stephanie's hand simply reads "But it's a game of give and take". And this time, she knows perfectly what it means.
~End of Kiss 15: Jane! Jane! Jane!~
Chapter 16: A Game Of Give And Take
"'You can't hurry love. No, you'll just have to wait'. She said, 'Love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take.'" Stephanie sings in between yawns. She always loves Phil Collins's voice, and You Can't Hurry Love is one of her all time favorites. She's in a really good mood right now, as a matter of fact, despite the ugly fact that she was woken up at an unholy hour by a happily excitedly screaming Mary Lou and nearly went deaf the very moment she took her cell phone from Ranger and pressed it to her ear. How can life be any better? Stephanie sighs contentedly. She has not only solved the puzzle that had been buzzing in her mind for more than 16 years, but has also found her very own tall, dark, handsome, mysterious Mr. Rochester who has the amazing ability to melt every single bone in her body with one soft lingering kiss or a plain gentle "Babe". Stephanie yawns again and smiles widely. It seems that life sure can be even better. She has just spotted the topping on her sundae. She will be the one who brings home lunch today, and even Ranger can't say no to Pino's Pizza Margherita.
She parks the Cayenne in the parking lot and goes into Pino's to place her order, sits down at Carl and Big Dog's table and accepts a slice of Pizza Quattro Formaggi, talks about weather and all knids of gossip, grabs her pizza, pays her bill, waves goodbye to her friends, and comes face to face with a pissed Joe Morelli. Oh yes, Stephanie suddenly remembers, Joe is back in town, and someone painted Rat Bastard in blood red paint all over his house and destroyed his beloved Ducati.
Morelli narrows his eyes and tightens both his lips and fists as he sees the beautiful ocean blue Hawaiian sea glass ring on Stephanie's ring finger. And then BANG! all the unpleasant memories of one particular morning outside a hotel room on a far away island called Oahu rush back to him. Yes, he knew Stephanie is inside Pino's the instant he spotted the sleek black expensive German car owned by that crazy bastard in the parking lot. Yes, he's determined to confront her right here in front of the lunch crowd in the famed pizza place. And yes, he's totally ready to make a scene and let the Burg Grapevine and Mrs. Plum eat Stephanie alive. He will make her pay for cheating on him with Ranger. He lets his anger boil and with all the malice of an enraged Italian Alpha Male spits out "Cupcake..." and drops onto the hardwood floor unable to move or even groan as Stephanie's knee gets in touch with his Bob and boys.
The stunned customers and staffs gape and watch a wide-and wild-eyed Stephanie run out of the door and drive away without a backward glance. Too bad none of them caught the moment on their camera phones. They could have made a fortune on YouTube.
~End of Kiss 16: A Game Of Give And Take~
Chapter 17: Femme Fatale
The moment the Cayenne charges into the underground garage and screeches to a stop at its usual spot, Stephanie has already calmed down enough from her shock and immediately starts feeling a lot better as she finds Ranger waiting by the elevator with a slight subtle smile on his perfect lips. She's still not quite sure why she kneed Morelli in front of half the Burg, though it sure felt pretty damn good watching him lie paralyzed like a neutralized zombie on Pino's hardwood floor. She, as a matter of undebatable fact, has never been a violent person. So what triggered the Femme fatale inside her exactly? Stephanie wonders. The open resentment in Morelli's cold furious eyes? The undisguised contempt in his clenched fists and contorted face? Or the fact that he thought he had every right in the world to sneak up on her in her favorite pizza place and called her "Cupcake" in a voice generally reserved for half-witted brainless and extremely confused woman?
She sometimes thinks maybe she really needs to go have her head thoroughly examined. Why did she waste so much time fooling around with someone she herself knew was totally wrong for her while Ranger was always there helping her out and protecting her? Because he flat out told her that his life didn't lend itself to relationships and that his love didn't come with a ring? Or was it because of her always being too much a lying coward to confront her true feelings? Whatever. Stephanie throws all her thoughts behind her as she leans further into Ranger's warm embrace. She doesn't really care that much. She smiles into Ranger chest upon hearing the soft, amused "Proud of you, Babe". What really matters right now is the fact that she is finally having a serious relationship with the man she truly loves. And yes, she will absolutely trick him into coming to Hawaii and put that ring around his finger all over again if necessary.
~End of Kiss 17: Femme Fatale ~

Chapter 18: Little Cat Feet
No. Helen Plum doesn't regret pouring her stash of liquor down the kitchen sink. Not for one minute. Really. But the now too familiar headache did return when phone calls from hysterically laughing friends, relatives and neighbors started pouring in. She cuts herself another piece of the fresh baked apple pie and eats it up in 3.5 bites. Yes, Helen knows she's been putting on a little weight, but Frank sure is not complaining. So what's the point denying herself some much needed happy? Besides, everybody knows apples are very good for health, and she did cut down the amount of butter and sugar in the recipe, didn't she? She pours herself another cup of the fragrant Earl Grey. All her friends, relatives and neighbors think the blue sea glass ring on Stephanie's ring finger is so special and really beautiful. And as usual they also subtly imply that they are still dying to know when and where Stephanie's second wedding will be held.
Helen wills the annoying headache to go away and goes back to stare at the phone. She knows she's a good daughter, a good wife, an excellent cook and baker, and definitely not a bad mother. She always tries her best to keep her family warm and fed. That's the reason why yesterday in the supermarket, like a most ferocious gladiator, she elbowed her way through the crazy crowd and actually walked on several screaming people and successfully swiped all the buy-one-get-two-free Earl Grey on the shelf into her shopping cart in one fluid move. She's tough. She's strong. She's Stephanie's mother. And now if only she has the energy and courage to pick up the phone and call her younger daughter...
At the same time in a different part of the city, Stephanie Plum whines pitifully as a determined Mocha Latte hand comes out of nowhere and firmly takes the remaining half of Ella's heavenly whole wheat half-sugar rhubarb pie away from her grasp and places it in the refrigerator. Nothing uglier than a fat old white woman, Babe. Stephanie sighs defeatedly as she reads the unspoken message, and jumps out of her chair as a sudden realization hits her. "You knew." She says accusingly to Ranger.
Of course he knows PR4167 .J32000 is the call number of Jane Eyre. Stephanie thinks vaguely to herself as Ranger turns to look at her for a brief second and slowly and purposely approaches her with a small amused but oh so powerful smile on his face. For a clever man who back in his school days spent so much time in the library that he can recite Carl Sandburg's poem as if it was McDonalds price list, Old Miss Valentine's secret code is not exactly a mystery at all...
~End of Kiss 18: Little Cat Feet~
Chapter 19: Wayne, Bruce Wayne
The cell phone rings just as Stephanie is about to melt into Ranger and start purrring. She buries her head into his chest and moans helplessly instead. It's Avril Lavigne's TIK TOK, the perfect ringtone for her mother. She wraps her arms tighter around Ranger's waist and tries desperately to pretend she doesn't hear a thing except for her own frantic heartbeat. Why does her mother call? To berate and scold her for maiming and almost castrate Joe Morelli in public? It wasn't her fault, really. Morelli had it coming. He only has his stupid self to blame on this. He should've known better than trying to intimidate her in front of so many people and treating her like an imbecile. And the way he spit out "Cupcake" as if she was something cheap, easy and contaminated offended her big time and enraged her immediately...Yes, it's exactly what made her snap and knee that jerk and probably change him into an Italian Gelding, now comes to think of it for a second time.
It's not like she cheated on him with Ranger back in Hawaii. How can you cheat on someone when you are no longer together? The moment Morelli told her he'd like them to try an open relationship, she knew whatever they had between them was finally and officially over. Free to come, free to go. Isn't it what open relationship really means? Besides, "Let's keep our options open" and "Feel free to go out with someone else" is simply and definitely not true love. That much she knows for sure. She's a grown woman. And she has made her decision. She has wasted too much time and energy on Morelli. And whether he likes it or not, he's already history as far as she is concerned...
Stephanie is suddenly pulled back into reality by Ranger's polite calm voice. She then watches on in wide-eyed gaping-mouth terror as her very own personal Batman tells her mother they will be there on time for dinner this very evening and ends the phone conversation.
And he just said goodbye to her mother!
~End of Kiss 19: Wayne, Bruce Wayne~
Chapter 20: With Or Without You
Stephanie feels like a cat on the way to see the vet. And no, she cringes as the Turbo pulls to a smooth gentle stop in front of her parents' house, there's no escape. She casts another last minute pleading glance at Ranger and finally gives up when he unbuckles his seatbelt. "I hate you." Bravely she tells him. And it takes everything in her not to let out that dreamy moan and drool like Bob the dog as the divine fragrance of Bvlgari and warm Ranger engulfs her whole the moment he leans over to place a feather light kiss on her slightly parting lips and undoes her seatbelt.
"Liar." Ranger smiles against her lips and gets out of the car. And yes, he remembers to take the car key with him. Stephanie blows out a defeated sigh and reluctantly leaves the safety of the shining Porsche when he opens the door for her. Both her mother and Grandma Mazur are waiting on the front porch. And all the nosy neighbors are now watching from behind their floral curtains, she's sure. At least Grandma is smiling and winking at her...or Ranger? Val and her clan won't be here tonight. Her father will enjoy the bottle of good(and more than probably pricey) red wine Ranger brings with him. She herself likes it pretty much. It tastes fruity and just a little bit sweet, a perfect gift for a small family dinner. She tries again but still can't decipher the look on her mother's face. She knows she can't stay away and hide from her family forever. She has no idea why she's so scared of her mother. Ella is undoubtedly a great patissiere, but somehow Stephanie still misses her mother's pineapple upside down cake like Hell...She takes a long deep breath, grasps hold of Ranger's hand and laces her fingers tightly with his, feeling eerily like a frightened rookie gladiator facing a ferocious tigress. It's now or never.
"For a lifelong supply of pineapple upside down cake." Stephanie murmurs under breath.
"Babe,"
And together they march forward.
~End of Kiss 20: With Or Without You~
Chapter 21: The Italian Gelding
Swollen, bruised, and hurt like Hell. That's the state Joe Morelli's Bob and boys are in right now.
It's only March, but he has already been chosen the biggest laughing stock this year, he's sure of that. And now everybody in Trenton is mercilessly laughing at him. His friends, colleagues and acquaintances didn't bother to hide their gleeful snorts, hysterical snickers and choking laughter in front of him. Someone—most probably Carl, or Big Dog...or Eddie...or anyone else—cut off the R.I.P Linsanity from the paper, changed it to R.I.P Bob and Boys and post it on the TPD bulletin board. He knows there's another one on Pino's men's bathroom door too. And he has been avoiding his mother's, godmother's and aunts' calls ever since.
He has somehow lost Stephanie without his own knowledge. He tried to punish Ranger but ended up being beaten up and locked up instead in Hawaii. He got detained at the airport on the way home. Someone destroyed his precious Ducati. And now this. He feels the raging anger burning inside him. He wants revenge. He wants justice. He wants Stephanie to feel his pain. He wants Ranger to taste his humiliation. He wants the whole world to know that you don't mess with Joe Morelli. He looks at his watch and sees the time. 5:57. His sister just called to tell him that she heard Stephanie and her new boyfriend are having dinner at the Plum residence. Perfect. He stands up from his messy desk and reaches for his jacket.
He will start his revenge with confronting Stephanie in front of her whole family.
~End of Kiss 21: The Italian Gelding~
Chapter 22: Human
Jeanne Ellen Burrows still hates her life.
She hasn't had a decent date for a long, long time, and she's a healthy woman, she has needs, both physical and emotional. And it's so damn hard trying to stop loving Ranger, and even harder not to envy Stephanie Plum. Yeah, the perfect Jeanne Ellen Burrows envys the Bounty Hunter from Hell who blows up cars, houses and anything flammable and inflammable. She knows she's being irrational and immature, but she can't help it, she doesn't want to help it, truth be told. She's only human, of flesh and blood she's made, and born to make mistakes. She hums along with her iPod while toying with the straw of her Mountain Dew. She likes 80's and 90's songs, and Human League's Human is one of her all time favorites. She's lonely, miserable and angry with herself. She wishes and hopes and prays she can find someone else to love, or be brave and smart enough to live her life on her own without depending on something unpredictable and unreliable as love. But let's be honest, she admits sadly to herself, that's a mission impossible. It's not easy to get over a man like Ranger, and you just can't help wanting to have someone fill the void...
Jeanne Ellen looks up from the empty bottle as the song ends and frowns when she spots the car in her rear mirror. She then smiles brightly as she makes a sudden decision. Her garbage of a target can float with the flow and waste his meaningless life away for another day. She waits patiently until the driver limps out of the car and goes into the store, pulls out her gun, takes aim—the silencer is already screwed on, as usual—fires twice, and quickly and quietly drives away. Well, she may not be able to have the man she loves as her own, but she sure can vent her anger and frustration on someone who's definitely responsible for her misery, don't you agree?
~End of Kiss 22: Human~
Chapter 23: Вячесла в Миха йлович Мо лотов
Joyce Barnhardt hates her life.
She has lost her keen interest in luxury life, high-end food, Vinnie Plum, and Hello Kitty ever since she lost the only treasure she has ever had to her crazy-haired wild-eyed nemesis. Well, almost. The limited edition cherry pink Hello Kitty handkerchief she just bought this afternoon most certainly has the potential to rekindle all her passion and zeal for everything money can buy. But still, she's not happy. Now that the old tin cookie box is forever gone from her life, all her old nightmares have returned to haunt her again. Her 16-year-old elder and only brother's sealed bronze casket...her grieving mother's quiet sobbing echoing in their lonely, empty house and years later in the halls of the asylum...her father's tired indifferent, impassive face under the dim kitchen light...and the leer on that young handsome uncaring face...
That's exactly the reason why she made a sudden decision when she learned about Stephanie Plum's small family dinner.
Joyce just had a taste of raw revenge a couple days ago, and like a vampire driven by eternal thirst she now craves for more. Those who hurt her the most must pay for their every single stupid, cruel mistake, she silently swears. Contrary to general belief, she's quite clever, and she knows her enemy well. She has done plenty of homework over the years, and she now knows her enemy's thinking and behaving pattern like the back of her pale, too white hand. She follows her enemy's car carefully and discreetly and stops half a block away when the car pulls to a stop in front of a convenience store. She waits patiently until the driver limps out of the car and goes into the store, and jumps a little in the driver's seat when an unmarked sleek black Audi parked on the other side of the road quickly and quietly tears away from the curb and melts in the dusk. Joyce takes a deep calming breath, restarts her car, throws the Molotov cocktail at her enemy's car, and speeds away.
And by the time Trenton police detective Joe Morelli hears the explosion and half runs, half limps out of the store with the six-pack of beer and bags of chips and Doritos he just bought for the upcoming celebration following Stephanie Plum's destruction, his dark blue Ford SUV—whose two front tires were shot flat by Jeanne Ellen Burrows' bullets, is already engulfed in merciless raging flames...
~End of Kiss 23: Вячесла́в Миха́йлович Мо́лотов~
Chapter 24: Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend
Joe Morelli freezes in stunned surprise as he watches his car burn to a crisp. He can't believe his eyes, or his luck. His trip and prolonged stay in Hawaii cost him a lot of money. He had to hire his cousin to repaint his house. He hasn't heard from the insurance company about the loss of his Ducati. His broken jaw is yet to completely heal. The most crucial parts of his body is hurting and (hopefully not too severely) damaged. He has become a laughing stock. And now this. Oh yes, a memory strikes him like a lightning-bolt as he hears the sirens of police cars and fire engines coming closer and closer, he also wasted too much money on Stephanie's would-be diamond wedding ring.
What's not to like about this quiet and perfectly mannered young man? Helen Plum asks herself as Ranger excuses himself and answers his phone. She can tell both Frank and her mother like him, too. His skin color may be a little bit darker than she prefers, but he's certainly nice-looking, polite, and owns a very successful company. Every mother will fight to death for a son-in-law like this, she knows that for a fact, and he apparently cares very much about Stephanie. Helen thinks about all the cars and help Ranger gave her younger daughter over the years, and casts another longing glance at that bare Mocha Latte ring finger.
Now if only Stephanie can put a ring on it...
~End of Kiss 24: Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend~
Chapter 25: The Charm Of The Wizard
What's not to like about Ranger? He's a man of steely determination and many talents. He's smart and brave. He's effective and efficient. He's always ready and prepared. He never jumps to conclusion. He never makes hasty decisions. He always remains calm and cool under whatever stress and pressure. He has a unique sense of humour and perfect phone manners. He has read Jane Eyre, not a fan ofWuthering Heights, and can recite Carl Sandburg's poems. And he knows his enemies better than themselves. Stephanie sneaks another peek at Ranger and can't help smiling to herself. He asked Grandma Mazur a right question and made her talk about funny stories from the good old days instead of open casket viewings over dinner. He made her father look up from pot roast, extra gravy and mashed potatoes to actually get involved in the conversation. He has somehow earned her mother's approval and helped restore a lifelong supply of pineapple upside down cakes and chocolate layer cakes.
Stephanie jumps in the passenger seat of the Turbo and lets out a startled yelp as Ranger suddenly reaches out a hand to ruffle her hair and says in a cool collected voice, "Yeah, I'm a really likeable guy."
And most important of all, he's now hers and hers alone.
~End of Kiss 25: The Charm Of The Wizard~
Chapter 26: Be Careful What You Wish
Whether Joseph A. Morelli is an exceptional police detective is yet to be decided, but he sure is a very persistent—if not annoyingly stubborn—person who wants to make something out of his life. And sometimes he's almost like a typical, cliché, stereotyped and most boring badly-written character straight out of a bad paperback romance . He's a has-been bad boy who desperately wants to prove to the world that he's no longer the troubled 8-year-old who fingered little younger girls in his father's dark garage, nor the irresponsible teenager who coaxed innocent curious girls into giving him their virginity on cold hard marble floor or bare grassless ground and then walked away without a backward glance 6 minutes later. He's hardworking and hot tempered, rude and loud when angered, and he tends to stick to his views and opinions—sometimes regardless to clear and objective evidence—concerning certain people and things.
Now as Morelli stands dazed and frozen by the roadside watching the firemen put out the fire, a same thought keeps repeating itself over and over again inside his brain like a broken track record. Ranger. It must be Ranger who's behind behind all this. Morelli tells himself and clenches his fists as a sudden pang of rage possesses him. As if stealing Stephanie away from him and openly humiliating him in Hawaii is not enough, now that crazy cold-blooded calculating mercenary is out to destroy and torture him slowly, like a cat would a rat. And he, a mere Trenton police detective, can only rely on his wits, skill, and courage to thwart the enemy's evil plan. He knows he shouldn't have told Stephanie he wanted them to try an open relationship. He did and yes, still loves her, but he just had that strange choking feeling whenever he thought about buying an expensive diamond ring, dropping onto one knee and actually asking her to marry him. And when he finally, finally mustered enough courage and determination to go all the way to Hawaii to propose to her, she flat-out cheated on him with Ranger.
Morelli shakes in the cool night wind. He's hungry, cold, and mad with anger. He wants to revenge. He will have his revenge. He doesn't know how, he's not sure when, but he will definitely and eventually get what he wants and make them pay. He swears.
~End of Kiss 26: Be Careful What You Wish~
Chapter 27: True Love's Kiss
Ranger drops his keys onto the silver plate, picks up Stephanie's cell phone from the sideboard and hands it to her. He has tried his best to make sure she has everything ready and prepared before going out, but sometimes she just can't help forgetting a thing or two. He's glad she forgot her phone this time, though. He knows her voicemail is already filled with messages from all her excited and nosy friends and relatives. Their dinner was not interrupted and disturbed by phone calls only because Frank had thought ahead and unplugged the phone. And now he wants Stephanie to hear the news from him.
Their life together is gradually settling into a a comfortable pattern, and they are still trying to learn more about each other's likes and dislikes while making compromises and adjustments. They never talk about Morelli, and Stephanie never asks about the women in Ranger's past. He knows she's always curious about everything concerning him, but now that they are finally together, she has become more refrained—if not cautious—and patient. She knows he will reveal more about himself to her everyday, and she also realizes and understands that there are certain things he will and can never be able share with her. Ranger wraps his arms around Stephanie and gathers her close. Communication, trust and acceptance. The three keys to any successful and healthy relationship. The three treasures he and Stephanie now share. And the three reasons why she and Morelli were never meant to be.
"Someone firebombed Morelli's car." Ranger whispers softly against Stephanie's lips after the sweet tender kiss, and raises his brow at her when she doesn't respond. "Babe?"
Stephanie blinks slowly after a long minute as if waking up from a long slumber, her twinkling eyes never leaving his, and whispers back dreamily. "What Morelli?"
~End of Kiss 27: True Love's Kiss~
Chapter 28: On Second Thought
A patrol car drops Joe Morelli off at his two story house. He waves thank you to the officer at the wheel and walks into his dark empty home. His mother has called to ask about his car and told him she would bring him dinner. He can smell the faint scent of her trademark cheese and tomato sauce in the air. He sits down and eats his late but still a bit lukewarm dinner in silence. Bob is staying at his mother's place. It's safer for him there. Morelli shoves the pasta into his mouth and somehow thinks of his relationship with Stephanie, and all of a sudden loses all his appetite. He puts down his fork and takes the diamond ring he bought for her out of his jeans pocket. He doesn't know why, but he has made it a habit to carry the ring with him all the time.
What happened? What has gone wrong between them? Joe Morelli looks at the small diamond on the ring and asks himself. He can't say he believes he and Stephanie are meant together. He can't say he never thinks about walking away to find himself a better woman. And he always, always has doubts about her relationship with Ranger. Maybe that's the reason why he told her "Let's keep our options open" and "Feel free to go out with someone else". He didn't plan to date anyone else, truth be told. The open relationship was actually a test of Stephanie's loyalty. And when he heard that she went to Hawaii alone, he knew it was then or never. So he made up his mind, spent a substantial portion of his savings on this ring and the round trip plane tickets, and flew all the way to Hawaii. Only to find she was cheating on him with Ranger. And then came back here all alone with his bruised pride and male ego and a lot of anger.
Free to come, free to go. Isn't it what open relationship really means? A small voice, not unlike Stephanie's, sounds quietly but piercingly clearly in the back of his mind.
He blows out a sigh, puts the ring back into his pocket, heads upstairs to bed, and stubbornly shrugs off the voice. Several hours later, he wakes up covered in cold sweat. He just had a dream, a very scary dream, in which Eddie Abruzzi's greyish pale deadman's face and unseeing empty eyes haunted him. He sits in bed numbly for a long time, and finally goes to the bathroom for the much needed long hot shower. And tries as he may, Joe Morelli just can't get rid of the doubt whispering in his mind. Does he really have that in him to stand up against the cold-blooded calculating mercenary who successfully eliminated a crazy mobster and all his thugs in under 5 hours? He honestly has no idea...
~End of Kiss 28: On Second Thought...~
Chapter 29: Wonder Woman's Mind
Stephanie wakes up just a few minutes before dawn and somehow can't get back to sleep. She turns a little to look at Ranger's peaceful sleeping face. He always looks so tough and strong. She wonders if he ever has nightmares, or if any of his dark secrets left him scarred. There are things she doesn't know about him. Things he himself told her she wouldn't want to know. She knew he was not joking. So she never asks. Maybe someday Ranger will finally tell her. Maybe he won't. Stephanie will respect his decision. Because there are things she doesn't want him to know, too. But still she can't help being a bit curious from time to time, she admit. She wants to snuggle closer to Ranger's side, but she's afraid she will wake him up. He more than often works long, insane hours, and she doesn't want to disturb his sleep. And how come Ranger's eyelashes are longer than hers? It's so unfair. He already has better skin and hair.
Will she and Ranger finally get married? Stephanie wonders. Her heart beat fastens whenever she thinks of the moment she put the simple platinum ring on his finger under the full Hawaiian moon. She almost died of nervousness and overjoy when he took her hand and slid on the sea glass ring he chose for her. Too bad Ranger doesn't like wearing rings. He has great taste in jewelry. Even the gold and silver necklaces and chains he wore in street Ranger mode are unique and tastefully designed. And what happens to his diamond stud earrings? They looked so good on his ears...Stephanie smiles and then thinks of her To-Do list. She needs to get another tube of her new lip gloss. Ranger likes this color. She has only one skip left and she knows where to find him. Piece of cake. She will have lunch at Mary Lou's. All her closer girl friends want to know every single detail about last night's dinner and so do Connie, Lula and Val... Stephanie yawns and closes her eyes, and gradually falls asleep. No, she has no idea who's out there messing with Morelli. And honestly, she really doesn't care...
~End of Kiss 29: Wonder Woman's Mind~
Chapter 30: Keep The Faith
Joe Morelli parks and locks his brand new navy blue Ford SUV and walks toward the police station. He doesn't bother to hide the bright smile on his face. He always likes sunny days, and one of the perks of being a police detective is that you know just the right people who know just how to pull the right strings. His insurance company has been very cooperative, and his Escape came with a small but satisfying discount. Though he couldn't get back to sleep after that nightmare this morning, the pre-dawn shower did make him feel much better. His jaw didn't hurt during breakfast, his You-Know-Where is still bruised but thank God the swelling has reduced a little, and Abruzzi's face has stopped popping up in his mind at some point.
Maybe Ranger is not the one who's trying to ruin our life, a small but rational voice in the back of Morelli's mind whispers. He will simply put a bullet through our brain in the dead of the night and make it look like we immigrate to Canada or New Zealand or some God-forsaken island in the middle of the ocean. And no one, NO ONE will ever know the truth and find our decomposing dead body...
A cold shiver crawls down Morelli's spine. A sick feeling suddenly appears in his gut. And he grudgingly admits that this has a point. Yes, Ranger doesn't seem like a guy who enjoys torturing people till they die slowly in great pain. Besides, just like every other good cop in the world, Morelli has better things to do and more pressing matters to tend to. He has people to protect and law to uphold. He has crimes to solve and criminals to arrest. His time is too precious to waste on that crazy bastard. But if it's not Ranger, who is it? Morelli frowns and tries hard to think. He has his fair share of enemies. But who hates him this much? Who wants him to suffer so bad? Who—
Wait! That's it? The Italian alpha male inside Morelli yells furiously. We are gonna drop it? We are gonna walk away with our tail between our legs? How about our revenge? How about Stephanie? How about our injured pride? How about our hurt feelings? Don't we want pay back? Don't we want justice? Aren't we entitled to something after all these years? She CHEATED on us!
Joe Morelli narrows his eyes and clenches his fists as the familiar rage once again starts burning. No. He can't just let go and move on. It's not that simple. This is not about his bruised ego or ruined reputation. This is about his dignity and principles. He needs to do something. He needs to take action...Morelli steps inside the door and then immediately freezes as he comes face to face with Ranger. He looks into those cool, calm and indecipherable dark brown eyes and the world stops. He can't hear his own breathing. He can't hear his heart beating. But he does hear that clear, soft and almost indifferent "Morelli," as his tall dark handsome and very successful rival raises one perfect brow slightly at him and leaves the building.
No, no need to overreact. We have to deal with life's difficulties and disappointments like all matured grown ups do. And no, we can't really say Stephanie cheated on us. Free to come, free to go. That's the basic of open relationship. Firmly and silently a slightly trembling Joe Morelli tells himself.
And no, we are just being reasonable, not being a coward...
~End of Kiss 30: Keep The Faith~
Chapter 31: Baby Give It Up, Give It Up, Baby Give I
Let it go and move on. Walk away and save yourself. You are too young to give up hope for real love, real life, and real happiness. The pale and tired looking red-haired woman in the mirror once again tries to persuade Joyce Barnhardt. She has been doing this every morning for the past few years, but Joyce never listens. Joyce wants revenge. Joyce wants to avenge all her unhappy and heartbreaking memories. Joyce wants to have a lot of money in her bank account. Joyce wants to own spacious houses and fancy cars and luxury jewelry. Joyce wants to be rich. Joyce want to be safe. Joyce wants to be free of fears. Joyce wants to be in control of everyone and everything in her life. Joyce wants her childhood back. Joyce wants to have her family back. Joyce wants her virginity back...Joyce wants to stop being unhappy and lonely...
Joyce Barnhardt slaps her forehead hard and immediately groans in pain. She simply hates it when she thinks so much. She narrows her eyes and stares at her reflection in the mirror, and wills it to shut up. No, she's not done yet. She's a woman of her words. She's a woman with a purpose. And she knows how to hold grudges. Nope, she won't do stupid things. She still doesn't like Stephanie Plum, but she always treasures her life, and she knows it won't be wise to mess with Ranger. But now she does hate Joe Morelli more, and she wants nothing more than to pay him back for that moonless summer night 20 years ago. The patch of green grass behind the gym. The most popular and dangerous 15-year-old boy in her school and neighborhood. His melted-chocolate eyes and lizard tongue. Yes, she craves for the Italian Stallion's blood. Pure and simple.
~End of Kiss 31: Baby Give It Up, Give It Up, Baby Give It Up~
Chapter 32: Time Is Money
One thing is crystal clear: Whoever destroyed Joe Morelli's Ducati and firebombed his car is out to do him real serious harm, and that person is also saving Ranger some trouble and time.
Ranger starts his 911 Turbo and allows himself a small amused smile. He has met, and knows men like Morelli well. They are never difficult to read. Hard working and stubborn. Proud and loud. Confident and smug. Traditional and self-centered. Conservative and predictable. Ambitious but reluctant to take chances or risks. One step away to win everything but too afraid or unsure to step up the plate. Too much ego and too much talk. Too little or all the wrong kinds of actions. Not exactly bad persons. But boring. And selfish. They all have hot temper. Only care about their wants and needs. Only see what they choose and wish to see. Tend to hold grudges. Have a thirst for revenge. And sometimes their bites are indeed a lot worse than their barks.
Morelli's fiery Italian temper will certainly demand him to avenge his humiliation and vent his frustration. Stephanie will undoubtedly be the main target, and he won't be decent enough not to abuse the power of his police badge to harass her. He will also want to get all their families, mutual friends and neighbors involved. Of course Morelli knows he'll have to deal with Ranger should Stephanie get hurt, but he's certain that she will try she best to leave Ranger out of this. Stephanie simply hates to become a burden or liability to those whom she loves, and Morelli will use her "weakness" to his greatest advantage. And this is the reason why Ranger has Morelli under surveillance. He won't allow Morelli to harm Stephanie.
Ranger is not into giving free lessons to reluctant students. He thinks it's best for people to find out about their follies and flaws on their own and come face to face with their own devils. But he is ready to teach Morelli one of life's most important lessons. For free. If necessary. It's one thing to have a police-issued gun, a shining police badge and a tough-guy look. It's totally another to actually pull the trigger or stab the knife deep enough to kill someone. Ranger never ever likes Morelli. He knows Morelli is secretly afraid—or scared—of him. He REALLY hates it when Morelli calls Stephanie "Cupcake".
And he's simply glad that Joyce Barnhardt is out for Morelli's blood. His time is too precious to waste on stupid people.
~End of Kiss 32: Time Is Money~
Chapter 33: Babies, A Lot Of Babies
"Do you want to have kids?"
Stephanie almost drops her box of doughnuts upon hearing this. Her heart thunders in her ears as her face pales and blushes at the same time. She knows she's now gaping like a gold fish, but she can't help it. She's way too stunned, startled, nervous, hot, happy, and bothered. Does she want to have kids? She tries hard to search for the answer, but her brain suddenly shuts down and turns empty. She tries to take a deep even breath to calm herself down but just can't concentrate. The joyful sound of a baby's giggles pops out of nowhere and keeps running around in her head. Baby. Ranger's baby. Growing inside her belly. She starts feeling dizzy and excited. A little girl? Or a little boy? With Ranger's smooth skin, super long eyelashes and dazzling smile? And her hair and eyes? No, not her wild crazy and unruly curls. That will be the cruelest torture for any teenage boy and girl. And she loves Ranger's eyes. So calm. So deep. So enchanting...
"Well, you're not getting any younger."
The almost casual tone puts Stephanie on the verge of panic overload. Yes, she has thought about having her own children when Val gave birth to baby Lisa a couple years ago, but soon gave up. She couldn't help remembering the moment Val's water broke and sprayed all over Cal, and thus knocked him out. And everbody, EVERYBODY, knows that giving birth hurts. And she really doesn't like pain. And dirty diapers. And non stop crying baby. And what if she becomes a whale just like Val? And what if she, too, remains a whale? They are sisters, after all...
"The clock won't stop ticking, you know."
The not so subtle warning stops Stephanie from hyperventilating and snaps something inside her. Yes, she knows she'll be 35 in a couple years. But still, she is the rightful owner of her damn body. Whether she wants to have children with Ranger or not is none of other prople's busniess. It's her decision to make. It's her choice. It's her life. It's her future. It's all up to her. No one, not even her own mother, has the right to tell her what to do! She turns around, all ready and prepared to give the nosy person a piece of her mind, and finds that the strange 40-something woman is talking to the person on the other end of her iPhone. She stares and gapes at the woman for several long embarassing seconds, and runs out of Tasty Bakery without a backward glance...
~End of Kiss 33: Babies, A Lot Of Babies~
Chapter 34: Love Me Tender, Love Me True
Helen can't help feeling nervous. She always wondered what it would feel like to ride this car, and now she finally got her wish. She likes it. She really does. It's all sleek and smooth and smells good inside, and it also makes her feel safe and powerful at the same time. This car is very expensive. But it's worth every penny paid for it. And that's exactly what worries her. It's not that she doesn't trust her own husband—everyone knows Franks Plum is a careful and discreet driver—it's just...it's just...well, Helen knows it's her birthday and Frank and Stephanie want to make it special for her: A single ruby red rose. A trip to Point Pleasant in the fancy German car. A walk on the beach. And a romantic dinner at a cozy restaurant. She's greatly touched and deeply moved, but she has not a clue what to do should anything happen to Ranger's Porsche. She used to go straight into the Land of Denial and pretended everything was perfect and fine whenever Stephanie destroyed Ranger's cars, but now it's no longer an option. Stephanie is with Ranger now, and the last thing Helen wants to do is to cause any possible damage to her younger child's relationship. Besides, She and Frank may have to sell their house to buy Ranger a new car. And that may not even be enough. Geez.
Frank stops at the red light and turns to take hold of his wife's hand. He laces their fingers together and gives her an assuring smile. "Everything's going to be fine." He knows how much Helen likes to worry about everything, and she looks cute when she frowns. "Trust me."
Helen locks eyes with her husband for a long second and gives him a small smile and a tiny nod. Frank is never a man of many words, and she always trusts him. And maybe Ranger won't let them sell the house to buy him another 911 Turbo. He's actually a very decent and considerate young man after all...Helen wills herself to focus on the pleasant day ahead of her as the Porsche speeds forward. And neither she nor Frank takes notice of the navy blue Ford Escape that abruptly pulls over at the curb not far behind.
~End of Kiss 34: Love Me Tender, Love Me True~
Chapter 35: Like Frankie Said I Did It My Way
Joe Morelli kills the engine, rests his head against the steering wheel of his navy blue Escape and closes his eyes. He knows exactly what he was thinking. He knows perfectly well what he was doing. And now he simply wants to punch himself for being such an idiot. Doing stupid things—such as putting the Kojak light on the top of his car and pulling over Ranger's Porsche—is not going to change a thing. It won't bring Stephanie back to his side. But he wanted to try it. He wanted to do something. He wanted to make Stephanie feel guilty. He wanted to punish her for leaving him. Because he couldn't just let go. Why? He searches his brain and asks himself. Why does he want her this much? Why does he need her this much? Is it love? Is it lust? Or is it just an old nasty habit that flat-out refuses to die? Morelli lets of a sigh. He's suddenly tired. Tired of his job. Tired of himself. Tired of everyone and everything in his joke of a life. Tired of searching for the answers of too many questions.
He has always been proud of himself. He has always enjoys being a cop. He has always likes the style of his life. But now all of a sudden his world becomes too comfortable, too familiar, and too small. And it's starting choking him. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it's time for him to find something new in his life. Maybe it's time for him to meet someone else for a change. But does he have enough strength to walk away and move on? He honestly has no idea. He wishes he knows how to stop feeling sorry for himself. He wishes he knows how to stop loving and hating Stephanie Plum at the same time. He wishes he never finds out that he, Joseph Morelli, is afraid or Ranger. It's not a good feeling. It makes him feels like a coward and stupid. And maybe, just maybe, it's the real reason why he stopped his car and watched them go...
Morelli wills himself to stop thinking and restarts the car. He has no time for soul searching. His life is too busy and too complicated. He stops at Pino's for a large double cheese pizza with extra garlic and beer, and when he and all the other cops hear the explosion and run out to the parking lot, his brand new Ford Escape is already engulfed in flames.

~End of Kiss 35: Like Frankie Said I Did It My Way~
Chapter 36: It's My Life
The other cops inside Pino's parking lot widen their eyes and try hard to ignore the two rivers of tears flooding down Joe Morelli's stubbled cheeks. No one says a word. Because nobody knows what to say. So they just stand there in awkward silence watching the Escape explode into a huge fireball. Some of them want to giggle. Some of them wonder who hates Morelli this much. And the majority of them start contemplating the possibility of a brand new betting pool. It seems that Stephanie's Cayenne is here to stay. Joe Morelli's motorbike and cars, on the other hand, are a totally different story now. Being a police officer can be really distressing and frustrating. They all need a few laughs and a vent for their anger, stress and pressure on a daily base, and betting on Stephanie's blown up cars have helped them through a lot. However, they probably won't give Morelli a cut of the money, though. He may be one of their own, but he sure can be too cocky and arrogant sometimes. And they all like Stephanie. It's only fair that they give her a share of the jackpot.
The firefighters soon arrive. They, too, try hard not to listen to Detective Morelli's heartbroken sobs and focus on putting out the fire. They feel sorry for the battered Italian Stallion. They really do. But still they can't help feeling like sniggering at his incredible bad luck. It's a part of human nature, they guess. And yes, they'd love to join in the new betting pool. Life as a firefighter is full of stress, too.
Joe Morelli takes a ride back to the police station. He didn't finish his pizza and beer. He's exhausted and bone-tired, and has somehow lost all his appetite. He hears his new Escape weeping. He sees the ghost of his beloved Ducati. He has lost Stephanie to a most scary invincible rival. He has lost another battle to a still unknown enemy. And he has just found out how empty and lonely his 2-story house is without Bob last night. He doesn't know what he has done to deserve this. How can someone hates him so much? He's Joe Morelli. The only Morelli man who beat the Morelli curse. The only Morelli man who successfully makes something out of his life. He's a highly trained and praised police detective. He's fun to be with. He's handsome and sexy. He's Grandma Bella's favorite. Everybody, EVERYBODY, loves him. And he really, really wants his peace and quiet back. He just wants a normal life. A wife. A dog. A house and 6 cute kids. 3 boys and 3 girls. Is that to much to ask?
The uniform cop behind the wheel winces and cringes as Morelli starts mumbling and crying at the same time. And inside a small café not far from Pino's Joyce Barnhardt smiles a happy smile. God, she loves her life!
~End of Kiss 36: It's. My. Life~

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Kiss 37: Someday
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Stephanie Manoso.

Stephanie whispers the name to herself and blushes a little. She recalls the phone conversation she overheard inside Tasty Bakery and blushes even more. She toys with her sea glass ring and thinks about her and Ranger. They are both in their 30s. The invisible clock won't stop ticking. And Ranger, the always calm and assertive Master of Control, doesn't do stupid things. Love. Ring. Condoms. No price. No strings. No relationship. The cars he loaned her. The money he spent for her. The blood he bled for her. He loves her in his own way. And she's now living in his apartment. With him.

Marriage and babies. Every—well, not every, but surely a lot of women's dream. A tall dark handsome husband. A sweet cozy home. A dog. A cat. Or a hamster. And a couple cute kids. Was she...is she one of those women? Does she share the same dream and want the same things? Why did she marry Dickie? Why did she start her unhealthy relationship with Morelli? She thought she loved Dickie and expected him to love her back. But instead he cheated on her with Joyce Barnhardt. She thought she shared something special with Morelli. But the sad truth is it was nothing but a lot of bad judgement and an ugly history. And they simply couldn't commit themselves to each other no matter what. She'd never seen past Dickie's facade as an ambitious fun-loving charming young lawyer until it was too late. She'd talked herself into believing she and Morelli belonged to each other because he was her first in just about everything. She thought she knew what she really needed and wanted. And both times she was wrong. Terribly wrong. Yes, she had been happy for a while in the beginning. But reality caught up with her eventually and laughed out loud in her face.

And Ranger is different. She trusts him like no one else. She loves him like no one else. It thrills her that he loves and trusts her too, and that he will never lie to her or hurt her. And it feels so good to be loved. protected and cherished...

Stephanie Manoso.

Ranger ends the call and silently whispers the name to himself. Yes. he's aware they are both in their 30s. Yes, he understands the invisible clock won't stop ticking. He's happy with his life right now. He still doesn't do stupid things. But he always does the right things and is almost never allergic to changes. And Stephanie Manoso does sound cute. He's more than certain he'll have a lot of fun teaching Stephanie to pronounce the family name. He unlocks the door and steps into the apartment, places his keys onto the silver plate and smiles as he sees the dreamy look on Stephanie's face. He's not ready for a second marriage. But he knows he does love her deeply. And he has a surprise for her. What has to come has to come.

5 minutes later, Stephanie widens her eyes and starts hyperventilating. She's going to meet Ranger's family. On Grandma Rosa's birthday dinner. This coming weekend.

And she has nothing to wear!

~End of Kiss 37: Someday~



Chapter 38: Batman!


Stephanie can't decide. Her fingers linger on the soft fabric as she sighs. One of her eyes is going to start twitching in any minute, she's sure of that. How come her life is always so full of difficult choice? She wonders. She looks good in the cute little cocktail dress. She looks good in the elegant knee-high evening dress. She also looks good in the sleek pant suit. But she needs to choose one. She can't buy or wear all of them at the same time. Once again she debates with herself, but still can't reach a decision. She turns to look at the man she loves with pleading eyes. Her heart skips a beat as Ranger gives her a rare full-on smile, and she's pretty sure she just heard the saleslady moaned dreamily beside her.

Stephanie forces herself to concentrate back on the task at hand. She's glad Batman is having fun, but she's desperately in need of his help. She simply has no idea what to wear to Grandma Rosa's birthday dinner. She wants to leave a good impression. She wants to be beautiful and smart and fun and clever. She wants the Bat Family to like her. She doesn't want them to think she's not good enough for Ranger. Her anxious eyes follow Ranger as he goes to a rack and picks out a dress.

A perfect dress.

Stephanie gapes at her own reflection in the mirror and feels faint. Ranger does know everything. Everything. The creamy ivory dress fits her perfectly. And she looks just like Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday...


~End of Kiss 38: Batman!~
Chapter 39: I Dream A Dream

The whole room falls quiet the moment they enter. Stephanie looks around and officially becomes frightened. Familiar faces. Friendly smiles. And all those mischievous and curious eyes. She grabs hold of Ranger's arm(yes, in a death grip) and nervously blinks. She tries very hard not to feel small or scared. They are Ranger's family. They are not going to eat her. They will probably just bury her with tons of questions. And the problem is she doesn't know if she has all the answers.

She knows her smile must look more like a grimace, but that's the best she can manage at this moment. She hopes her eyes are not twitching. She hopes she looks smart and competent. She hopes she won't knock over and smash something and make herself look stupid. She hopes Ranger's family will like her. She hopes they will approve of her. She hopes she can remember all the names and the faces. She hopes she knows what to do if they decide she's not good enough for their Carlos. She leans into Ranger's side and feels his warmth. She relaxes and calms down a little when he wraps an arm around her. They now share a life and are in this together. And the fact that she knows he won't let go of her helps her breathe more easily.
Stephanie soon forgets her awkwardness once the dinner begins. The food is amazing and delicious. She laughs along when someone tells a joke. She raises her glass and drinks to the toasts. And it doesn't take long for her to find that she really, really likes Grandma Rosa and Ranger's parents—Isabela reminds her of her always worrying mother, and it's apparent that Ranger got his smile from Juan Carlos. Grandma Rosa is so stern but so sweet. And Stephanie also knows that Ranger's elder brother and sisters and aunts and uncles and cousins are all trying their best to refrain from asking her all kinds of most interesting but embarrassing questions. Maybe it's because they are being kind and thoughtful and considerate. Maybe it's because Ranger is sitting beside her with a charming yet somewhat intimidating smile on his face. She appreciates their efforts anyway.
She actually jumps in joy when Sofía and Ariana—Ranger's elder sisters—hand her a large box of leftovers and a giant chunk of the birthday cake and falls asleep on the drive home. When she wakes up the next morning, she's all alone in the 7-floor apartment. Ranger, as usual, has already gone to work. Stephanie lies in the heavenly king-size bed thinking. She has no memory of Ranger carrying her from the Turbo to their bed or undressing her, but she remembers her dream vividly. She blushes fiercely and covers her face.

She has just dreamed of their wedding. And their baby, the Batbaby...

~End of Kiss 39: I Dream A Dream~
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1 comment:

  1. UnknownMarch 1, 2014 at 7:41 AM

    Excellent story. I loved each and every part. I always wonder if the Rangemen watching Morelli will ever let on that it is Joyce wreaking havoc. Probably not until Ranger is well and done with him. At least Joyce is keeping Joe occupied and off Steph's radar, even though she is constantly on Joe's mind. I love that Joe is afraid of Ranger and that Abruzzi's face woke him up with a nightmare. LOL
    Can't wait until Ranger puts the ring on his finger for good, and she lets him know she's ready for some Mocha Latte babies.
    Great writing. I always love your work.
    Maggie M. (Vulcan Rider on FF)

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