A Not Exactly Empty Shelf —Stories by Two Guns And A Knife In One Long Chapter: Naughty 19

Title: Naughty 19
Category: Books » Janet Evanovich
Author: Two Guns and a Knife
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Humor/Romance
Published: 06-01-12, Updated: 08-20-12
Chapters: 49, Words: 19,568

Chapter 1: Just Do It

Carpe 
Diem. Take the risk. Live your life. Grasp the chance. Seize the day. 
Life is too short and too precious to live in regret or dream away. 
Stephanie Plum, the 30-something blue-eyed wild-haired bounty hunter who
 wanted to be Wonder Woman when growing up, nods to herself in the dim 
darkness, and, with steel determination, reaches out a shaking hand 
toward the all too perfect Promised Land, and bravely grabs hold of it.

"Babe,"
 Ricardo Carlos Manoso, aka Ranger, the former elite special-forces 
officer who's still indisputably the elite of the elite, the best of the
 best, eats drug lords, human traffickers and their thugs and minions as
 snacks, slams villains and criminals into walls for pleasure, with one 
single punch knocked one certain hairy Italian Stallion out colder than a
 dead frozen fish and smashed his jaw into many tiny pieces, and who 
now, finally, does relationship, half whispers, half sighs as his 
live-in girlfriend gropes his butt. "We're inside Joyce Barnhardt's 
closet."

And? Silently the twinkling, dreamy turquoise blue
 eyes he loves so much whisper back. He almost never denies her anything
 when she looks at him like this. So he caves, and gives in.

~End of Kiss 1: Just Do It~

Chapter 2: Three is Company? ? ?

"Aloha,
 Mr. Joseph Morelli." The 6' 5", 250-pound, Samoan version of pure male 
perfection who looks just like The Rock flashes a 350 Watt white-tooth 
smile at the extremely depressed and frustrated hairy haggard Jersey man
 sitting rigidly on the cheap plastic chair in front of him. "Have a 
nice trip back to your little town Trenton, and don't forget to say 
thank you to Mr. Manoso for kindly agreeing not to press charge against 
your sorry ass." The pair of beautiful yet steel-cold onyx-black eyes 
then hold Morelli prisoner for 10 uncomfortable seconds before the 
Hawaiian police detective softly continues. "And keep in mind that we do
 have laws here in Hawaii, Detective."

And just like that, Joseph 
A. Morelli, the Italian Stallion whose badly broken jaw still hurts like
 bloody hell and who, from time to time, still feels dizzy because of 
the concussion Ranger gave him, books himself an economic class seat on 
the next indirect flight back to Newark Airport while burning with rage,
 fury and indignity, and swears to revenge.

~End of Kiss 2: Three is Company? ? ? ~

Chapter 3: It's Alright to Snicker, You Know

Maria
 Angelica Giovanni, the 43-year-old hard-working, law-abiding brown-eyed
 blonde born and raised in a small conservative Catholic Italian 
neighborhood, takes both her life and her job very, very seriously. She 
prides herself immensely for never ever one day being late for school 
and work in her life, as well as for being a most vigilant TSA agent at 
Los Angeles Airport. Over the years, she has pulled aside God knows how 
many angry, upset, embarrassed, frustrated, outraged and extremely 
indignant female and male passengers for a pat-down in the name of 
National Security. Yes, Agent Giovanni does believe without a trace of 
doubt that everyone should make sacrifice for the Greater Good, and 
personal inconvenience is nothing compared to the importance of 
protecting your own country from all kinds of criminals, terrorists and 
aliens. She was also born with great instincts, and has no problem 
whatsoever smelling anything and anyone suspicious and fishy from 100 
miles away. Therefore, it is all righteous and natural that she spots 
the tall, dark, lean, haggard and dangerous-looking man in the noisy and
 busy crowd right away.

And the moment Trenton police detective 
Joseph A. Morelli snaps out of his Great Plan of Revenge and 
unconsciously reaches inside his pocket for his Id and badge, the always
 extra-alert female TSA agent has already shouted out warnings to the 
security guards and, in a blink of an eye, our most favorite Italian 
Stallion is face down on the floor with his arms pinned behind his back,
 and thus is forced to spend another 22 hours sitting on a cheap, hard, 
uncomfortable plastic chair inside a small windowless interrogation room
 in the bright, beautiful City of Angels. And yes, his still broken jaw 
did hit the floor and is once again hurting like Hell.

~End of Kiss 3: It's Alright to Snicker, You Know~

Chapter 4: Everything I Do, I Do It For You

The
 long, extremely unpleasant history between Stephanie Plum and Joyce 
Barnhardt is way beyond complicated, twisted and ugly, and now it has 
almost become one of the Burg's greatest legends. It was hate at first 
sight for both little girls, and over the years, much to the joy of the 
eager excited audience, the mutual resentment has grown even stronger. 
And the two of them have never ever once stopped competing, elbowing, 
kicking, and stunning each other since what happened on Stephanie Orr's 
dining table. However, at this moment, Stephanie knows without a trace 
of doubt that she is the authentic ultimate winner after all. She's so 
happy that she almost purrs as she holds the old rusty round cookie box 
with both hands and leans back against Ranger's delicious muscular 
chest, and with a sweet happy smile admits to herself that it was not 
the box that made her want to purr, actually.

~End of Kiss 4: Everything I Do, I Do It For You~

Chapter 5: Fee Fi Fo Fum

Life
 as a gold digger here in this city can sometimes be a real mean bitch. 
The 30-someting red-haired curvy sexy woman lets out a tired sigh and 
unlocks her front door. The cost(makeups, costumes, props, toys, plastic
 surgeries and all the other kinds of baits) is high, the work is boring
 and tedious, and the profit is simply not as satisfying as it should 
be(so far she only gets 4 diamond rings, 6 diamond necklaces, 1.5 dozens
 or so rings and jeweled bracelets, 2 houses, 3 cars, some bonds and 
some cash). She does think about moving to the Big City from time to 
time, but she hears that the competition is much, much tougher there, so
 she makes up her mind and decides to stay in her home town and tries 
her luck.

She kicks off her scarlet ankle high-heeled boots, drops
 her shopping bags onto her bright red zebra-print couch, goes into her 
crimson leopard-print kitchen to grab a bottle of Bling H2O, enters her 
Gone With The Wind style bedroom, yawns, freezes, and sniffs the air 
suspiciously. Yes, something smells different in here. Something sweet, 
something tasty, something elegant, enchanting...and familiar...

Must be that new cheese cake factory opened not far from here last week. Yum. Joyce Barnhardt licks her lips, strips herself naked, and goes into her pink Hello Kitty themed bathroom for a long hot shower.

~End of Kiss 5: Fee Fi Fo Fum~

Chapter 6: One Day in Batman's Life

Ranger
 drops Stephanie off at her best friend's house and gives his head an 
almost undetectable shake as Mary Lou gives out a happy shriek at the 
sight of the old cookie box in Stephanie's hand, and both women start 
laughing and jumping up and down like a pair of little girls. A tiny 
smile sneaks onto Ranger's face as he drives back toward RangeMan. 
Sometimes he simply can't believe he and Stephanie are the same age. 
But, nevertheless, he loves to see her so happy. To be honest, he still 
feels guilty from time to time for not being able to give her a ring, 
and he's still unsure if he will ever be family material or feel 
comfortable enough to make that leap, but he's trying his best. Moving 
in together was not a part of their original deal. But after the 
incident with the human trafficker, he realized that he really didn't 
want to take any more chances. So, with one soul-melting kiss and that 
ever so powerful "please", he successfully made a dreamy-eyed, 
flushed-cheeked Stephanie nod her head, pack her bags, grab Rex, and 
moved in with him. All in under 11 minutes.

He parks his car at 
the usual spot, heads towards his 5th floor office and quickly focuses 
his thoughts back on his busy schedule and all the things on his To-Do 
list. He is not a successful businessman and top-notch mercenary for 
nothing. He always thinks, plans ahead and is well-prepared. He also has
 eyes and ears everywhere. He knows Morelli is on his way back here, and
 he is ready to deal with the battered Hairy Italian Stallion.

 ~End of Kiss 6: One Day in Batman's Life~

Chapter 7: Bad Luck Never Comes Alone

The
 battered Hairy Italian Stallion buys himself yet another cup of thin 
overpriced airport cappuccino and yet another greasy overpriced airport 
cheeseburger, and once again sighs his signature irritated sigh. He sits
 down at a corner table, bites into his lukewarm cheeseburger, and 
immediately moans in pain as his teeth meet the crunchy pickles. Damn! 
How many times does he have to tell them not to put pickles on his 
burger? He wipes away his tears and puts a hand over his now twitching 
eye. Yes, he's still at the Los Angeles airport. And yes, his jaw still 
hurts like hell whenever he chews something hard or speaks for too long.
 Thanks to that annoying, crazy, overreacting TSA agent, he missed his 
original flight, and had to book another seat on the next plane back to 
Newark. And guess what? His plane is delayed.

Joe Morelli takes a 
sip of his tasteless cappuccino to hide his frustration and all of a 
sudden feels like crying. He has never felt so tired and helpless in his
 life, And now he is THIS close to start feeling like he's cursed, or 
something even worse. He misses his mother's Fettuccine Alfredo. He 
misses Pino's pizzas and subs. He misses his lovely cozy two-story 
little house. He misses his big goofy playful orange dog. Hell, he even 
misses his mad Grandma. A drop of tear falls down Morelli's cheek. And 
this time he makes no attempt to wipe it and just lets it fall.
Oh God, please have mercy on him and let him go home.

~End of Kiss 7: Bad Luck Never Comes Alone~

Chapter 8: Treasure Island

Miss
 Annabel Lee Valentine, Stephanie and Mary Lou's—and sadly Joyce 
Barnhardt's, too—old high school literature teacher who passed away at 
the early age of 59 more than 16 years ago, was a hopeless romantic. She
 loved all kinds of adventures, adored every single pirates, and 
introduced the wide-eyed girls not only to the amazing world of 
classical and modern literature masterpieces, but also to the enchanting
 universe of cheap paperback romance novels. She was especially fond of 
Stephanie, always chuckled at her unique point of view, and awarded her 
with encouragement and good grades. And then one day, just after Joe the
 Rat Bastard Morelli wrote about Stephanie on the walls of a public 
bathroom and skipped town like the shameless rat that he was, Miss 
Valentine gave a crestfallen, puffy-eyed Stephanie a sealed round tin 
cookie box and told her that there was a treasure map inside. She then 
gave the girl a warm hug and asked her to keep her chin up and go find a
 way to open the box and search for the treasure.

But sadly, 
neither the both of them took notice of the red-haired girl hiding in a 
shadowed corner eavesdropping their conversation. And when Stephanie 
opened her locker after school, the small tin box was already gone. The 
kind-hearted Miss Valentine died of heart attack that very night in a 
fancy French restaurant when her long-time fiancé surprised her with a 
diamond ring and a proposal. And thus Stephanie Plum never knew what was
 inside the box, nor what the treasure was...

~End of Kiss 8: Treasure Island~

Chapter 9: Don't Worry, Be Happy

Being
 a mother is never easy. Helen Plum winces and suppresses the compelling
 urge to do an eye roll openly, and quickly goes back into her kitchen 
for the two plates of chocolate chip cookies served as dessert. She 
really hopes her elder daughter Valerie, now a mid-thirty, 179-pound 
mother of 4 young girls, can stop babytalking sweet nonsense to Albert 
the Clown like they are the last two human beings on Planet Earth in 
front of the whole family—no, not the whole family, Helen reminds 
herself with a frustrated sigh as she feels the familiar headache 
building behind her eyes. Stephanie is not here.

Helen hasn't seen
 or heard from her younger daughter since the day Stephanie dropped the 
bomb on her and escaped like Hell was on fire. And she's been hearing 
all kinds of crazy stories and rumours about Stephanie and her new...boyfriend
 for the past several weeks. Helen absentmindedly picks up a cookie and 
starts eating. She actually thought about telling Stephanie to come back
 and take that pineapple upside down cake away after her talk with 
Frank, but she decided to eat it all by herself instead. It wasn't her 
fault, really. Helen thinks defiantly and fights the sudden pang of 
guilt creeping into her conscience. She was the one who'd spent all the 
time and effort to bake the cake, and she was still in shock and very 
depressed at that time. Besides, being a daughter, mother, and wife at 
the same time is so darn hard. Isn't she entitled to some happiness, 
goodies and luxury once in a while? Does she not even deserve one single
 perfectly baked tasty homemade cake?

"Stop worrying. It's her life to live".
 Helen Plum picks up a second cookie and put it into her mouth as she 
remembers the tenderness and understanding in her husband's eyes that 
afternoon. "Everything will be just fine". She lets out a 
long breath, squares her shoulders, picks up the plates and heads back 
toward the noisy dining room. She hopes Frank was right. She prays that 
Ranger is the right man for her younger daughter. She just wants 
Stephanie to be happy. And she really, really needs everything to be more than just fine.

~End of Kiss 9: Don't Worry, Be Happy~

Chapter 10: Everybody Has A Story

Joyce
 Barnhardt tosses and turns on her antique four-poster bed as if she's 
having a most terrible nightmare, and wakes up abruptly screaming in 
fury. She jumps out of bed and runs toward her huge walk-in closet 
without pulling the red silk robe over her naked body(like every other 
devoted follower of Marilyn Monroe, Joyce wears only 5 drops of Chanel 
No. 5 to bed every night). She finally recognizes the sweet familiar 
scent she smelled hours ago in her bedroom. It was not peach cheese 
cake. It was not lemon cheese cake. It was not chocolate and blueberry 
cheese cake. It was her sworn enemy. It was her lifetime rival. It was 
Stephanie Plum.

With a sinking, panicking heart, Joyce starts 
throwing all her belongings out of her way until she reaches a shaking 
hand into the secret compartment in the lowest drawer of the antique 
handmade Venetian bureau once owned by her ex-great-grandmother-in-law. 
She then lets out a raspy sob when she finds her treasured tin cookie 
box gone, leans back against the closet wall crying like the 13-year-old
 frightened, heartbroken red-haired girl who lost her virginity one 
moonless summer night on a patch of green grass behind the gym to the 
most popular and dangerous 15-year-old boy famed for his 
melted-chocolate eyes and lizard tongue, and all of a sudden becomes 
furious and craves for blood and revenge.

19 hours and 43 minutes 
later, a bone-tired Joseph A. Morelli tumbles out of the red eye plane, 
hails a cab, arrives back at his sweet lovely two-story home, and 
freezes like a zombie as his exhausted bloodshot eyes fall on his 
beloved castle. He doesn't know when he drops his luggage. He doesn't 
know when he opens his mouth like a dying eel. He doesn't know when he 
crumbles to his knees. He doesn't know when he breaks out in snots and 
tears and whines "Why Me?" like the perfect, standard Burg housewife he 
always wants to marry.

Someone had just written "Rat Bastard" all 
over the front of his beautiful house with blood red paint in big ugly 
letters. And the one and only true love of his life, his ultimate pride 
and joy, his treasured Ducati, is now but a lifeless pile of crumpled 
metal on his doorstep...

~End of Kiss 10: Everybody Has A Story~

Chapter 11: If Only It's That Easy

Who
 did it? Joseph A. Morelli sits on his chewed up couch and racks his 
brain trying to find an answer to the Million Dollar Question.

He 
can't eat. He can't sleep. He is now more paranoid than Melman the 
Giraffe, and more jumpy than Peter Rabbit. Who hates him this much? Who 
holds such a grudge against him? Is it someone from the mob? Is it 
someone from the street gangs? Is it someone he arrested? What has he 
done to deserve this? And what kind of heartless beast could do this? He
 thinks of his beloved Ducati and once again feels like crying. He 
blinks hard to force back his burning tears. He hates feeling like 
crying. He hates feeling so tired. He hates feeling so exhausted. He 
wishes he can find the answers to all his questions. He wishes he can 
stop feeling so damn hopeless. And he hates himself for feeling so 
helpless.
Get a grip! He orders himself. Stop whining and bitching 
like a woman in her period. You are Joseph A. Morelli. You're a 
highly-trained police detective. You're good at what you do for a 
living. You will find whoever is responsible for this. He nods to 
himself bravely and feels new hopes rising inside him. Yes, Joseph, you 
will make that person pay. You will find justice for your Ducati...

A
 single tear rolls down his cheek. Another one soon follows. And it 
doesn't take long for Joe Morelli to once again break down and howl like
 a newborn baby. Damn. He really, really doesn't want to cry but, alas, 
he simply can't help it.

~End of Kiss 11: If Only It's That Easy~

Chapter 12: Let the Fun Begin

Miss
 Valentine might be a dedicated and beloved high school literature 
teacher, but she sure was no master craftsman. The tin cookie box was 
simply sealed first with hot glue and then in layers of tapes. And the 
only reason Joyce Barnhardt did not pry it open by force after she took 
it home was that she too, just like Stephanie and the rest of the class,
 adored old fun goofy Miss Valentine. It may be hard to believe and 
contrary to common belief, but truth is, Joyce Barnhardt was not born an
 evil Skank. She was just an unhappy teenage girl extremely jealous of 
Stephanie Plum. Joyce hated—and still does, mind you—Stephanie for 
having a caring, if not constantly nagging, mother. She hated Stephanie 
for having a father who always came home on time for dinner. She hated 
Stephanie for having so many friends around her. She hated Stephanie for
 always, always having the spotlight and everyone's attention. And most 
of all, Joyce hated Stephanie for being the one Joe Morelli wrote about 
on the public bathroom walls. If she couldn't make the boy she always 
wanted smile or even look at her, no one else could have his attention. 
No one.

So it didn't take long for Joyce to decide to steal the 
box. She then chose not to damage it or throw it away, and kept it 
hidden in her closet. Sometimes, when the night was too dark or life was
 too much, she would take it out of its hiding place, held it close to 
her lonely heart and pretended she was Miss V's favorite student, and 
thus its rightful owner. And then the mere thought of the desperate, 
sorrowful look on Stephanie Plum's face that day would bring the needed 
smile to Joyce's too pale tear-stricken face and grant her a good 
night's sleep.

But of course, Stephanie, poor Joyce's much-hated 
enemy, is oblivious to all of these. And both she and Mary Lou frowned 
in confusion the moment they managed to open the tin cookie box and saw 
the piece of paper lying inside.

PR4167J32000

What the heck is that?

~End of Kiss 12: Let the Fun Begin~

Chapter 13: The Man Of Mystery

PR4167J32000

Stephanie
 stares at it until her eyes grow sore and decides to go to sleep. Who 
knows, she yawns and stretches, maybe her dream will give her a hint. 
She turns off the light in Ranger's small office, goes into the spotless
 bathroom to brush her teeth, and remembers just in time to squeeze the 
toothpaste tube from the bottom like Ranger always does. Sometimes she 
can't help thinking that living with a man like Ranger is not easy. 
Everything in his life is simple and systematic and has its reasonable 
and rightful place. He likes his living space tidy and orderly instead 
of comfy and cozy. He never ever kicks off his shoes in different 
directions and leaves them there on the floor like a pair of roadkills 
so that he can trip over them the next morning. He never ever drops his 
shoulder bag and purse and wallet and phone and keys wherever he feels 
like dropping them and goes to take a nap and then wakes up totally 
forgetting where he put these things. And he doesn't snore. He doesn't 
drool. He doesn't even talk in his sleep. Stephanie puts on her pajamas,
 casts another glance at the sleek black bedside clock, blows a mint and
 green tea scented sigh, and slides under the heavenly soft, warm 
blanket. And even though Ranger never admits it, he's definitely a 
workaholic.

2 hours and 36 minutes later, Ranger picks up the 
piece of thick fine yellowed paper and looks at the code written in 
elegant handwriting for a brief minute, and smiles his trademark 
maybe-there-if-you-look-closely-enough smile. He places the paper back 
inside the cookie box, closes the lid, and pulls the blanket over a 
slightly snoring Stephanie. Once again she's sleeping on his side of 
their bed with one arm wrapped around his pillow in the cute little 
black pajamas he likes a lot. He bends to give her a soft tender kiss as
 she mumbles something in her sleep. She sometimes reminds him of a 
family cat. Curious, adorable, and trusting. "Good luck, have fun, 
Babe." He whispers and goes to take a shower.

And yes, he knows what PR4167J32000 means.

~End of Kiss 13: The Man Of Mystery~

Chapter 14: Eureka!

Being
 a full-time stay-home mom and housewife at the same time can be really 
complicated. Mary Lou Stankovic sighs and wishes her building headache 
can just turn around, go away and leave her alone. It's only a few 
minutes after 6 in the morning, but she's already up to prepare 
breakfast and lunch boxes for Lenny and their elder children. Yes, Mary 
Lou knows all about the problems with school lunch today as well as what
 calorie-laden fast-food lunch will do to a middle aged man's waist 
size, and she honestly prefers to have healthy school-age children and a
 just-slightly-out-of-shape husband. Besides, she's a pretty good cook. 
She knows how much her family will enjoy a tasty balanced homemade 
lunch, and a few hours' shortage of sleep is not such a big deal 
compared to the smiles on their faces. But still. She sometimes forgets 
how many kids she really has, and more than sometimes looks at one of 
the kids and then all of a sudden forgets the poor child's name—NO! it's
 definitely not that she's not a good mother. She just gets too busy and
 too tired sometimes and gets a little bit confused in return—and she 
can't help secretly hoping that her life can be as exciting and full of 
surprises as Stephanie's when she has to get up in dark freezing winter 
mornings.

Mary Lou hopes her best friend can solve the mystery. It
 was sheer luck that she overheard Joyce Barnhardt and one of her few 
close friends' conversation that day in the newly open café. She still 
can't believe she actually suppressed the urge to cheer and do a happy 
dance on the spot and raced out immediately to her car and called 
Stephanie instead. She wonders what the code really means as she puts 
the chopped vegetables into the hot pan. It rang a bell to her 
somehow...Lenny Stankovic jerks awake, falls out the bed, and blinks 
wildly in confusion as his wife's shrill happy scream wakes up their 
children and several neighbors.

Yes, Mary Lou Stankovic, Stephanie Plum's loyal and best friend ever, just realizes what PR4167J32000 means.

~End of Kiss 14: Eureka!~

Chapter 15: Jane! Jane! Jane!

PR4167. J32000.

Jane Eyre
 by Charlotte Brontë. The ultimate romantic classical novel of all time.
 A woman's struggle and quest to find her true self and true love. A 
great, touching, and sometimes frustrating story with a HEA. Trenton 
Public Library has 8 copies, and every one of them has a slip of the 
same thick, fine, yellowed paper stuck between the pages where the 
heartbroken heroine heard the man she loved calling her name. Stephanie 
looks at the familiar beautiful elegant handwriting on the paper slip 
and smiles as she thinks of all the happy time she spent in that 
particular classroom.

She's not surprised that none of the paper 
slips are missing, though. People here in Jersey are not very big on 
reading anything other than horse race tips, and several parents 
actually complained when Miss Valentine insisted that all her students 
needed to have a Trenton Public Library card, so that the kids could 
broaden their horizons and benefit from great writers' wisdom as well as
 learn from their mistakes. Mary Lou, a most faithful reader of 
classical romantic novels, used to ask Stephanie to accompany her to the
 library every Saturday, until the good-looking, nice, and 
ever-not-so-bright Lenny finally caught the drift, asked Mary Lou out 
for a date, and then officially took over Stephanie's job the very next 
weekend. Stephanie quickly wipes away a drop of tear and takes a 
hardcover copy of Jane Eyre off the shelf. She has no idea she misses 
the kind old teacher this much, but she knows it will definitely be fun 
to read Jane Eyre while snuggling next to Ranger in their king size bed and humming the special song.

The
 paper slip in Stephanie's hand simply reads "But it's a game of give 
and take". And this time, she knows perfectly what it means.

~End of Kiss 15: Jane! Jane! Jane!~

Chapter 16: A Game Of Give And Take

"'You can't hurry love. No, you'll just have to wait'. She said, 'Love don't come easy. It's a game of give and take.'"

Stephanie sings in between yawns. She always loves Phil Collins's voice, and You Can't Hurry Love
 is one of her all time favorites. She's in a really good mood right 
now, as a matter of fact, despite the ugly fact that she was woken up at
 an unholy hour by a happily excitedly screaming Mary Lou and nearly 
went deaf the very moment she took her cell phone from Ranger and 
pressed it to her ear. How can life be any better? Stephanie sighs 
contentedly. She has not only solved the puzzle that had been buzzing in
 her mind for more than 16 years, but has also found her very own tall, 
dark, handsome, mysterious Mr. Rochester who has the amazing ability to 
melt every single bone in her body with one soft lingering kiss or a 
plain gentle "Babe". Stephanie yawns again and smiles widely. It seems 
that life sure can be even better. She has just spotted the topping on 
her sundae. She will be the one who brings home lunch today, and even 
Ranger can't say no to Pino's Pizza Margherita.

She parks the 
Cayenne in the parking lot and goes into Pino's to place her order, sits
 down at Carl and Big Dog's table and accepts a slice of Pizza Quattro 
Formaggi, talks about weather and all kinds of gossip, grabs her pizza, 
pays her bill, waves goodbye to her friends, and comes face to face with
 a pissed Joe Morelli. Oh yes, Stephanie suddenly remembers, Joe is back
 in town, and someone painted Rat Bastard in blood red paint all over his house and destroyed his beloved Ducati.

Morelli
 narrows his eyes and tightens both his lips and fists as he sees the 
beautiful ocean blue Hawaiian sea glass ring on Stephanie's ring finger.
 And then BANG! all the unpleasant memories of one particular morning 
outside a hotel room on a far away island called Oahu rush back to him. 
Yes, he knew Stephanie is inside Pino's the instant he spotted the sleek
 black expensive German car owned by that crazy bastard in the parking 
lot. Yes, he's determined to confront her right here in front of the 
lunch crowd in the famed pizza place. And yes, he's totally ready to 
make a scene and let the Burg Grapevine and Mrs. Plum eat Stephanie 
alive. He will make her pay for cheating on him with Ranger. He lets his
 anger boil and with all the malice of an enraged Italian Alpha Male 
spits out "Cupcake..." and drops onto the hardwood floor unable to move 
or even groan as Stephanie's knee gets in touch with his Bob and boys.

The
 stunned customers and staffs gape and watch a wide-and wild-eyed 
Stephanie run out of the door and drive away without a backward glance. 
Too bad none of them caught the moment on their camera phones. They 
could have made a fortune on YouTube.

~End of Kiss 16: A Game Of Give And Take~

Chapter 17: Femme Fatale

The
 moment the Cayenne charges into the underground garage and screeches to
 a stop at its usual spot, Stephanie has already calmed down enough from
 her shock and immediately starts feeling a lot better as she finds 
Ranger waiting by the elevator with a slight subtle smile on his perfect
 lips. She's still not quite sure why she kneed Morelli in front of half
 the Burg, though it sure felt pretty damn good watching him lie 
paralyzed like a neutralized zombie on Pino's hardwood floor. She, as a 
matter of undebatable fact, has never been a violent person. So what 
triggered the Femme fatale inside her exactly? Stephanie wonders. The 
open resentment in Morelli's cold furious eyes? The undisguised contempt
 in his clenched fists and contorted face? Or the fact that he thought 
he had every right in the world to sneak up on her in her favorite pizza
 place and called her "Cupcake" in a voice generally reserved for 
half-witted brainless and extremely confused woman?

She sometimes 
thinks maybe she really needs to go have her head thoroughly examined. 
Why did she waste so much time fooling around with someone she herself 
knew was totally wrong for her while Ranger was always there helping her
 out and protecting her? Because he flat out told her that his life 
didn't lend itself to relationships and that his love didn't come with a
 ring? Or was it because of her always being too much a lying coward to 
confront her true feelings? Whatever. Stephanie throws all her thoughts 
behind her as she leans further into Ranger's warm embrace. She doesn't 
really care that much. She smiles into Ranger chest upon hearing the 
soft, amused "Proud of you, Babe". What really matters right now is the 
fact that she is finally having a serious relationship with the man she 
truly loves. And yes, she will absolutely trick him into coming to 
Hawaii and put that ring around his finger all over again if necessary.

~End of Kiss 17: Femme Fatale ~

Chapter 18: Little Cat Feet

No.
 Helen Plum doesn't regret pouring her stash of liquor down the kitchen 
sink. Not for one minute. Really. But the now too familiar headache did 
return when phone calls from hysterically laughing friends, relatives 
and neighbors started pouring in. She cuts herself another piece of the 
fresh baked apple pie and eats it up in 3.5 bites. Yes, Helen knows 
she's been putting on a little weight, but Frank sure is not 
complaining. So what's the point denying herself some much needed happy?
 Besides, everybody knows apples are very good for health, and she did 
cut down the amount of butter and sugar in the recipe, didn't she? She 
pours herself another cup of the fragrant Earl Grey. All her friends, 
relatives and neighbors think the blue sea glass ring on Stephanie's 
ring finger is so special and really beautiful. And as usual they also 
subtly imply that they are still dying to know when and where 
Stephanie's second wedding will be held.

Helen wills the annoying 
headache to go away and goes back to stare at the phone. She knows she's
 a good daughter, a good wife, an excellent cook and baker, and 
definitely not a bad mother. She always tries her best to keep her 
family warm and fed. That's the reason why yesterday in the supermarket,
 like a most ferocious gladiator, she elbowed her way through the crazy 
crowd and actually walked on several screaming people and successfully 
swiped all the buy-one-get-two-free Earl Grey on the shelf into her 
shopping cart in one fluid move. She's tough. She's strong. She's 
Stephanie's mother. And now if only she has the energy and courage to 
pick up the phone and call her younger daughter...

At the same 
time in a different part of the city, Stephanie Plum whines pitifully as
 a determined Mocha Latte hand comes out of nowhere and firmly takes the
 remaining half of Ella's heavenly whole wheat half-sugar rhubarb pie 
away from her grasp and places it in the refrigerator. Nothing uglier than a fat old white woman, Babe. Stephanie
 sighs defeatedly as she reads the unspoken message, and jumps out of 
her chair as a sudden realization hits her. "You knew." She says 
accusingly to Ranger.

Of course he knows PR4167 .J32000 is the call number of Jane Eyre.
 Stephanie thinks vaguely to herself as Ranger turns to look at her for a
 brief second and slowly and purposely approaches her with a small 
amused but oh so powerful smile on his face. For a clever man who back 
in his school days spent so much time in the library that he can recite 
Carl Sandburg's poem as if it was McDonalds price list, Old Miss 
Valentine's secret code is not exactly a mystery at all...

~End of Kiss 18: Little Cat Feet~

Chapter 19: Wayne, Bruce Wayne

The
 cell phone rings just as Stephanie is about to melt into Ranger and 
start purring. She buries her head into his chest and moans helplessly 
instead. It's Avril Lavigne's TIK TOK, the perfect 
ringtone for her mother. She wraps her arms tighter around Ranger's 
waist and tries desperately to pretend she doesn't hear a thing except 
for her own frantic heartbeat. Why does her mother call? To berate and 
scold her for maiming and almost castrate Joe Morelli in public? It 
wasn't her fault, really. Morelli had it coming. He only has his stupid 
self to blame on this. He should've known better than trying to 
intimidate her in front of so many people and treating her like an 
imbecile. And the way he spit out "Cupcake" as if she was something 
cheap, easy and contaminated offended her big time and enraged her 
immediately...Yes, it's exactly what made her snap and knee that jerk 
and probably change him into an Italian Gelding, now comes to think of 
it for a second time.

It's not like she cheated on him with Ranger
 back in Hawaii. How can you cheat on someone when you are no longer 
together? The moment Morelli told her he'd like them to try an open 
relationship, she knew whatever they had between them was finally and 
officially over. Free to come, free to go. Isn't it what open 
relationship really means? Besides, "Let's keep our options open" and 
"Feel free to go out with someone else" is simply and definitely not 
true love. That much she knows for sure. She's a grown woman. And she 
has made her decision. She has wasted too much time and energy on 
Morelli. And whether he likes it or not, he's already history as far as 
she is concerned...
Stephanie is suddenly pulled back into reality by
 Ranger's polite calm voice. She then watches on in wide-eyed 
gaping-mouth terror as her very own personal Batman tells her mother 
they will be there on time for dinner this very evening and ends the 
phone conversation.

And he just said goodbye to her mother!

~End of Kiss 19: Wayne, Bruce Wayne~

Chapter 20: With Or Without You

Stephanie
 feels like a cat on the way to see the vet. And no, she cringes as the 
Turbo pulls to a smooth gentle stop in front of her parents' house, 
there's no escape. She casts another last minute pleading glance at 
Ranger and finally gives up when he unbuckles his seatbelt. "I hate 
you." Bravely she tells him. And it takes everything in her not to let 
out that dreamy moan and drool like Bob the dog as the divine fragrance 
of Bvlgari and warm Ranger engulfs her whole the moment he leans over to
 place a feather light kiss on her slightly parting lips and undoes her 
seatbelt.

"Liar." Ranger smiles against her lips and gets out of 
the car. And yes, he remembers to take the car key with him. Stephanie 
blows out a defeated sigh and reluctantly leaves the safety of the 
shining Porsche when he opens the door for her. Both her mother and 
Grandma Mazur are waiting on the front porch. And all the nosy neighbors
 are now watching from behind their floral curtains, she's sure. At 
least Grandma is smiling and winking at her...or Ranger? Val and her 
clan won't be here tonight. Her father will enjoy the bottle of good(and
 more than probably pricey) red wine Ranger brings with him. She herself
 likes it pretty much. It tastes fruity and just a little bit sweet, a 
perfect gift for a small family dinner. She tries again but still can't 
decipher the look on her mother's face. She knows she can't stay away 
and hide from her family forever. She has no idea why she's so scared of
 her mother. Ella is undoubtedly a great patissiere, but somehow 
Stephanie still misses her mother's pineapple upside down cake like 
Hell...She takes a long deep breath, grasps hold of Ranger's hand and 
laces her fingers tightly with his, feeling eerily like a frightened 
rookie gladiator facing a ferocious tigress. It's now or never.

"For a lifelong supply of pineapple upside down cake." Stephanie murmurs under breath.

"Babe,"

And together they march forward.

~End of Kiss 20: With Or Without You~

Chapter 21: The Italian Gelding

Swollen, bruised, and hurt like Hell. That's the state Joe Morelli's Bob and boys are in right now.

It's
 only March, but he has already been chosen the biggest laughing stock 
this year, he's sure of that. And now everybody in Trenton is 
mercilessly laughing at him. His friends, colleagues and acquaintances 
didn't bother to hide their gleeful snorts, hysterical snickers and 
choking laughter in front of him. Someone—most probably Carl, or Big 
Dog...or Eddie...or anyone else—cut off the R.I.P Linsanity from the paper, changed it to R.I.P Bob and Boys and
 post it on the TPD bulletin board. He knows there's another one on 
Pino's men's bathroom door too. And he has been avoiding his mother's, 
godmother's and aunts' calls ever since.

He has somehow lost 
Stephanie without his own knowledge. He tried to punish Ranger but ended
 up being beaten up and locked up instead in Hawaii. He got detained at 
the airport on the way home. Someone destroyed his precious Ducati. And 
now this. He feels the raging anger burning inside him. He wants 
revenge. He wants justice. He wants Stephanie to feel his pain. He wants
 Ranger to taste his humiliation. He wants the whole world to know that 
you don't mess with Joe Morelli. He looks at his watch and sees the 
time. 5:57. His sister just called to tell him that she heard Stephanie 
and her new boyfriend are having dinner at the Plum residence. Perfect. 
He stands up from his messy desk and reaches for his jacket.

He will start his revenge with confronting Stephanie in front of her whole family.

~End of Kiss 21: The Italian Gelding~

Chapter 22: Human

Jeanne Ellen Burrows still hates her life.

She
 hasn't had a decent date for a long, long time, and she's a healthy 
woman, she has needs, both physical and emotional. And it's so damn hard
 trying to stop loving Ranger, and even harder not to envy Stephanie 
Plum. Yeah, the perfect Jeanne Ellen Burrows envies the Bounty Hunter 
from Hell who blows up cars, houses and anything flammable and 
inflammable. She knows she's being irrational and immature, but she 
can't help it, she doesn't want to help it, truth be told. She's only 
human, of flesh and blood she's made, and born to make mistakes. She 
hums along with her iPod while toying with the straw of her Mountain 
Dew. She likes 80's and 90's songs, and Human League's Human
 is one of her all time favorites. She's lonely, miserable and angry 
with herself. She wishes and hopes and prays she can find someone else 
to love, or be brave and smart enough to live her life on her own 
without depending on something unpredictable and unreliable as love. But
 let's be honest, she admits sadly to herself, that's a mission 
impossible. It's not easy to get over a man like Ranger, and you just 
can't help wanting to have someone fill the void...

Jeanne Ellen 
looks up from the empty bottle as the song ends and frowns when she 
spots the car in her rear mirror. She then smiles brightly as she makes a
 sudden decision. Her garbage of a target can float with the flow and 
waste his meaningless life away for another day. She waits patiently 
until the driver limps out of the car and goes into the store, pulls out
 her gun, takes aim—the silencer is already screwed on, as usual—fires 
twice, and quickly and quietly drives away. Well, she may not be able to
 have the man she loves as her own, but she sure can vent her anger and 
frustration on someone who's definitely responsible for her misery, 
don't you agree?

~End of Kiss 22: Human~

Chapter 23: Вячесла в Миха йлович Мо лотов

Joyce Barnhardt hates her life.

She
 has lost her keen interest in luxury life, high-end food, Vinnie Plum, 
and Hello Kitty ever since she lost the only treasure she has ever had 
to her crazy-haired wild-eyed nemesis. Well, almost. The limited edition
 cherry pink Hello Kitty handkerchief she just bought this afternoon 
most certainly has the potential to rekindle all her passion and zeal 
for everything money can buy. But still, she's not happy. Now that the 
old tin cookie box is forever gone from her life, all her old nightmares
 have returned to haunt her again. Her 16-year-old elder and only 
brother's sealed bronze casket...her grieving mother's quiet sobbing 
echoing in their lonely, empty house and years later in the halls of the
 asylum...her father's tired indifferent, impassive face under the dim 
kitchen light...and the leer on that young handsome uncaring face...

That's exactly the reason why she made a sudden decision when she learned about Stephanie Plum's small family dinner.

Joyce
 just had a taste of raw revenge a couple days ago, and like a vampire 
driven by eternal thirst she now craves for more. Those who hurt her the
 most must pay for their every single stupid, cruel mistake, she 
silently swears. Contrary to general belief, she's quite clever, and she
 knows her enemy well. She has done plenty of homework over the years, 
and she now knows her enemy's thinking and behaving pattern like the 
back of her pale, too white hand. She follows her enemy's car carefully 
and discreetly and stops half a block away when the car pulls to a stop 
in front of a convenience store. She waits patiently until the driver 
limps out of the car and goes into the store, and jumps a little in the 
driver's seat when an unmarked sleek black Audi parked on the other side
 of the road quickly and quietly tears away from the curb and melts in 
the dusk. Joyce takes a deep calming breath, restarts her car, throws 
the Molotov cocktail at her enemy's car, and speeds away.

And by 
the time Trenton police detective Joe Morelli hears the explosion and 
half runs, half limps out of the store with the six-pack of beer and 
bags of chips and Doritos he just bought for the upcoming celebration 
following Stephanie Plum's destruction, his dark blue Ford SUV—whose two
 front tires were shot flat by Jeanne Ellen Burrows' bullets, is already
 engulfed in merciless raging flames...

~End of Kiss 23: Вячесла́в Миха́йлович Мо́лотов~

Chapter 24: Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Joe
 Morelli freezes in stunned surprise as he watches his car burn to a 
crisp. He can't believe his eyes, or his luck. His trip and prolonged 
stay in Hawaii cost him a lot of money. He had to hire his cousin to 
repaint his house. He hasn't heard from the insurance company about the 
loss of his Ducati. His broken jaw is yet to completely heal. The most 
crucial parts of his body is hurting and (hopefully not too severely) 
damaged. He has become a laughing stock. And now this. Oh yes, a memory 
strikes him like a lightning-bolt as he hears the sirens of police cars 
and fire engines coming closer and closer, he also wasted too much money
 on Stephanie's would-be diamond wedding ring.

What's not to like 
about this quiet and perfectly mannered young man? Helen Plum asks 
herself as Ranger excuses himself and answers his phone. She can tell 
both Frank and her mother like him, too. His skin color may be a little 
bit darker than she prefers, but he's certainly nice-looking, polite, 
and owns a very successful company. Every mother will fight to death for
 a son-in-law like this, she knows that for a fact, and he apparently 
cares very much about Stephanie. Helen thinks about all the cars and 
help Ranger gave her younger daughter over the years, and casts another 
longing glance at that bare Mocha Latte ring finger.

Now if only Stephanie can put a ring on it...

~End of Kiss 24: Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend~

Chapter 25: The Charm Of The Wizard

What's
 not to like about Ranger? He's a man of steely determination and many 
talents. He's smart and brave. He's effective and efficient. He's always
 ready and prepared. He never jumps to conclusion. He never makes hasty 
decisions. He always remains calm and cool under whatever stress and 
pressure. He has a unique sense of humour and perfect phone manners. He 
has read Jane Eyre, not a fan ofWuthering Heights, and can
 recite Carl Sandburg's poems. And he knows his enemies better than 
themselves. Stephanie sneaks another peek at Ranger and can't help 
smiling to herself. He asked Grandma Mazur a right question and made her
 talk about funny stories from the good old days instead of open casket 
viewings over dinner. He made her father look up from pot roast, extra 
gravy and mashed potatoes to actually get involved in the conversation. 
He has somehow earned her mother's approval and helped restore a 
lifelong supply of pineapple upside down cakes and chocolate layer 
cakes.

Stephanie jumps in the passenger seat of the Turbo and lets
 out a startled yelp as Ranger suddenly reaches out a hand to ruffle her
 hair and says in a cool collected voice, "Yeah, I'm a really likeable 
guy."

And most important of all, he's now hers and hers alone.

~End of Kiss 25: The Charm Of The Wizard~

Chapter 26: Be Careful What You Wish

Whether
 Joseph A. Morelli is an exceptional police detective is yet to be 
decided, but he sure is a very persistent—if not annoyingly 
stubborn—person who wants to make something out of his life. And 
sometimes he's almost like a typical, cliché, stereotyped and most 
boring badly-written character straight out of a bad paperback romance .
 He's a has-been bad boy who desperately wants to prove to the world 
that he's no longer the troubled 8-year-old who fingered little younger 
girls in his father's dark garage, nor the irresponsible teenager who 
coaxed innocent curious girls into giving him their virginity on cold 
hard marble floor or bare grassless ground and then walked away without a
 backward glance 6 minutes later. He's hardworking and hot tempered, 
rude and loud when angered, and he tends to stick to his views and 
opinions—sometimes regardless to clear and objective evidence—concerning
 certain people and things.

Now as Morelli stands dazed and frozen
 by the roadside watching the firemen put out the fire, a same thought 
keeps repeating itself over and over again inside his brain like a 
broken track record. Ranger. It must be Ranger who's behind all this. 
Morelli tells himself and clenches his fists as a sudden pang of rage 
possesses him. As if stealing Stephanie away from him and openly 
humiliating him in Hawaii is not enough, now that crazy cold-blooded 
calculating mercenary is out to destroy and torture him slowly, like a 
cat would a rat. And he, a mere Trenton police detective, can only rely 
on his wits, skill, and courage to thwart the enemy's evil plan. He 
knows he shouldn't have told Stephanie he wanted them to try an open 
relationship. He did and yes, still loves her, but he just had that 
strange choking feeling whenever he thought about buying an expensive 
diamond ring, dropping onto one knee and actually asking her to marry 
him. And when he finally, finally mustered enough courage and 
determination to go all the way to Hawaii to propose to her, she 
flat-out cheated on him with Ranger.

Morelli shakes in the cool 
night wind. He's hungry, cold, and mad with anger. He wants to revenge. 
He will have his revenge. He doesn't know how, he's not sure when, but 
he will definitely and eventually get what he wants and make them pay. 
He swears.

~End of Kiss 26: Be Careful What You Wish~

Chapter 27: True Love's Kiss

Ranger
 drops his keys onto the silver plate, picks up Stephanie's cell phone 
from the sideboard and hands it to her. He has tried his best to make 
sure she has everything ready and prepared before going out, but 
sometimes she just can't help forgetting a thing or two. He's glad she 
forgot her phone this time, though. He knows her voicemail is already 
filled with messages from all her excited and nosy friends and 
relatives. Their dinner was not interrupted and disturbed by phone calls
 only because Frank had thought ahead and unplugged the phone. And now 
he wants Stephanie to hear the news from him.

Their life together 
is gradually settling into a a comfortable pattern, and they are still 
trying to learn more about each other's likes and dislikes while making 
compromises and adjustments. They never talk about Morelli, and 
Stephanie never asks about the women in Ranger's past. He knows she's 
always curious about everything concerning him, but now that they are 
finally together, she has become more refrained—if not cautious—and 
patient. She knows he will reveal more about himself to her everyday, 
and she also realizes and understands that there are certain things he 
will and can never be able share with her. Ranger wraps his arms around 
Stephanie and gathers her close.

Communication, trust and 
acceptance. The three keys to any successful and healthy relationship. 
The three treasures he and Stephanie now share. And the three reasons 
why she and Morelli were never meant to be.

"Someone firebombed 
Morelli's car." Ranger whispers softly against Stephanie's lips after 
the sweet tender kiss, and raises his brow at her when she doesn't 
respond. "Babe?"

Stephanie blinks slowly after a long minute as if
 waking up from a long slumber, her twinkling eyes never leaving his, 
and whispers back dreamily. "What Morelli?"

~End of Kiss 27: True Love's Kiss~

Chapter 28: On Second Thought

A
 patrol car drops Joe Morelli off at his two story house. He waves thank
 you to the officer at the wheel and walks into his dark empty home. His
 mother has called to ask about his car and told him she would bring him
 dinner. He can smell the faint scent of her trademark cheese and tomato
 sauce in the air. He sits down and eats his late but still a bit 
lukewarm dinner in silence. Bob is staying at his mother's place. It's 
safer for him there. Morelli shoves the pasta into his mouth and somehow
 thinks of his relationship with Stephanie, and all of a sudden loses 
all his appetite. He puts down his fork and takes the diamond ring he 
bought for her out of his jeans pocket. He doesn't know why, but he has 
made it a habit to carry the ring with him all the time.

What 
happened? What has gone wrong between them? Joe Morelli looks at the 
small diamond on the ring and asks himself. He can't say he believes he 
and Stephanie are meant together. He can't say he never thinks about 
walking away to find himself a better woman. And he always, always has 
doubts about her relationship with Ranger. Maybe that's the reason why 
he told her "Let's keep our options open" and "Feel free to go out with 
someone else". He didn't plan to date anyone else, truth be told. The 
open relationship was actually a test of Stephanie's loyalty. And when 
he heard that she went to Hawaii alone, he knew it was then or never. So
 he made up his mind, spent a substantial portion of his savings on this
 ring and the round trip plane tickets, and flew all the way to Hawaii. 
Only to find she was cheating on him with Ranger. And then came back 
here all alone with his bruised pride and male ego and a lot of anger.

Free to come, free to go. Isn't it what open relationship really means? A small voice, not unlike Stephanie's, sounds quietly but piercingly clearly in the back of his mind.

He
 blows out a sigh, puts the ring back into his pocket, heads upstairs to
 bed, and stubbornly shrugs off the voice. Several hours later, he wakes
 up covered in cold sweat. He just had a dream, a very scary dream, in 
which Eddie Abruzzi's greyish pale deadman's face and unseeing empty 
eyes haunted him. He sits in bed numbly for a long time, and finally 
goes to the bathroom for the much needed long hot shower. And tries as 
he may, Joe Morelli just can't get rid of the doubt whispering in his 
mind. Does he really have that in him to stand up against the 
cold-blooded calculating mercenary who successfully eliminated a crazy 
mobster and all his thugs in under 5 hours? He honestly has no idea...

~End of Kiss 28: On Second Thought...~

Chapter 29: Wonder Woman's Mind

Stephanie
 wakes up just a few minutes before dawn and somehow can't get back to 
sleep. She turns a little to look at Ranger's peaceful sleeping face. He
 always looks so tough and strong. She wonders if he ever has 
nightmares, or if any of his dark secrets left him scarred. There are 
things she doesn't know about him. Things he himself told her she 
wouldn't want to know. She knew he was not joking. So she never asks. 
Maybe someday Ranger will finally tell her. Maybe he won't. Stephanie 
will respect his decision. Because there are things she doesn't want him
 to know, too. But still she can't help being a bit curious from time to
 time, she admit. She wants to snuggle closer to Ranger's side, but 
she's afraid she will wake him up. He more than often works long, insane
 hours, and she doesn't want to disturb his sleep. And how come Ranger's
 eyelashes are longer than hers? It's so unfair. He already has better 
skin and hair.

Will she and Ranger finally get married? Stephanie 
wonders. Her heart beat fastens whenever she thinks of the moment she 
put the simple platinum ring on his finger under the full Hawaiian moon.
 She almost died of nervousness and overjoy when he took her hand and 
slid on the sea glass ring he chose for her. Too bad Ranger doesn't like
 wearing rings. He has great taste in jewelry. Even the gold and silver 
necklaces and chains he wore in street Ranger mode are unique and 
tastefully designed. And what happens to his diamond stud earrings? They
 looked so good on his ears...Stephanie smiles and then thinks of her 
To-Do list. She needs to get another tube of her new lip gloss. Ranger 
likes this color. She has only one skip left and she knows where to find
 him. Piece of cake. She will have lunch at Mary Lou's. All her closer 
girl friends want to know every single detail about last night's dinner 
and so do Connie, Lula and Val... Stephanie yawns and closes her eyes, 
and gradually falls asleep. No, she has no idea who's out there messing 
with Morelli. And honestly, she really doesn't care...

~End of Kiss 29: Wonder Woman's Mind~

Chapter 30: Keep The Faith

Joe
 Morelli parks and locks his brand new navy blue Ford SUV and walks 
toward the police station. He doesn't bother to hide the bright smile on
 his face. He always likes sunny days, and one of the perks of being a 
police detective is that you know just the right people who know just 
how to pull the right strings. His insurance company has been very 
cooperative, and his Escape came with a small but satisfying discount. 
Though he couldn't get back to sleep after that nightmare this morning, 
the pre-dawn shower did make him feel much better. His jaw didn't hurt 
during breakfast, his You-Know-Where is still bruised but thank God the 
swelling has reduced a little, and Abruzzi's face has stopped popping up
 in his mind at some point.

Maybe Ranger is not the one who's trying to ruin our life, a small but rational voice in the back of Morelli's mind whispers. He
 will simply put a bullet through our brain in the dead of the night and
 make it look like we immigrate to Canada or New Zealand or some 
God-forsaken island in the middle of the ocean. And no one, NO ONE will ever know the truth and find our decomposing dead body...

A
 cold shiver crawls down Morelli's spine. A sick feeling suddenly 
appears in his gut. And he grudgingly admits that this has a point. Yes,
 Ranger doesn't seem like a guy who enjoys torturing people till they 
die slowly in great pain. Besides, just like every other good cop in the
 world, Morelli has better things to do and more pressing matters to 
tend to. He has people to protect and law to uphold. He has crimes to 
solve and criminals to arrest. His time is too precious to waste on that
 crazy bastard. But if it's not Ranger, who is it? Morelli frowns and 
tries hard to think. He has his fair share of enemies. But who hates him
 this much? Who wants him to suffer so bad? Who—

Wait! That's it? The Italian alpha male inside Morelli yells furiously. We
 are gonna drop it? We are gonna walk away with our tail between our 
legs? How about our revenge? How about Stephanie? How about our injured
 pride? How about our hurt feelings? Don't we want pay back? Don't we 
want justice? Aren't we entitled to something after all these years? She
 CHEATED on us!

Joe Morelli narrows his eyes and 
clenches his fists as the familiar rage once again starts burning. No. 
He can't just let go and move on. It's not that simple. This is not 
about his bruised ego or ruined reputation. This is about his dignity 
and principles. He needs to do something. He needs to take 
action...Morelli steps inside the door and then immediately freezes as 
he comes face to face with Ranger. He looks into those cool, calm and 
indecipherable dark brown eyes and the world stops. He can't hear his 
own breathing. He can't hear his heart beating. But he does hear that 
clear, soft and almost indifferent "Morelli," as his tall dark handsome 
and very successful rival raises one perfect brow slightly at him and 
leaves the building.

No, no need to overreact. We have to deal 
with life's difficulties and disappointments like all matured grown ups 
do. And no, we can't really say Stephanie cheated on us. Free to come, free to go. That's the basic of open relationship. Firmly and silently a slightly trembling Joe Morelli tells himself.

And no, we are just being reasonable, not being a coward...

~End of Kiss 30: Keep The Faith~

Chapter 31: Baby Give It Up, Give It Up, Baby Give

Let
 it go and move on. Walk away and save yourself. You are too young to 
give up hope for real love, real life, and real happiness. The pale and 
tired looking red-haired woman in the mirror once again tries to 
persuade Joyce Barnhardt. She has been doing this every morning for the 
past few years, but Joyce never listens. Joyce wants revenge. Joyce 
wants to avenge all her unhappy and heartbreaking memories. Joyce wants 
to have a lot of money in her bank account. Joyce wants to own spacious 
houses and fancy cars and luxury jewelry. Joyce wants to be rich. Joyce 
want to be safe. Joyce wants to be free of fears. Joyce wants to be in 
control of everyone and everything in her life. Joyce wants her 
childhood back. Joyce wants to have her family back. Joyce wants her 
virginity back...Joyce wants to stop being unhappy and lonely...

Joyce
 Barnhardt slaps her forehead hard and immediately groans in pain. She 
simply hates it when she thinks so much. She narrows her eyes and stares
 at her reflection in the mirror, and wills it to shut up. No, she's not
 done yet. She's a woman of her words. She's a woman with a purpose. And
 she knows how to hold grudges. Nope, she won't do stupid things. She 
still doesn't like Stephanie Plum, but she always treasures her life, 
and she knows it won't be wise to mess with Ranger. But now she does 
hate Joe Morelli more, and she wants nothing more than to pay him back 
for that moonless summer night 20 years ago. The patch of green grass 
behind the gym. The most popular and dangerous 15-year-old boy in her 
school and neighborhood. His melted-chocolate eyes and lizard tongue. 
Yes, she craves for the Italian Stallion's blood. Pure and simple.

~End of Kiss 31: Baby Give It Up, Give It Up, Baby Give It Up~

Chapter 32: Time Is Money

One
 thing is crystal clear: Whoever destroyed Joe Morelli's Ducati and 
firebombed his car is out to do him real serious harm, and that person 
is also saving Ranger some trouble and time.

Ranger starts his 911
 Turbo and allows himself a small amused smile. He has met, and knows 
men like Morelli well. They are never difficult to read. Hard working 
and stubborn. Proud and loud. Confident and smug. Traditional and 
self-centered. Conservative and predictable. Ambitious but reluctant to 
take chances or risks. One step away to win everything but too afraid or
 unsure to step up the plate. Too much ego and too much talk. Too little
 or all the wrong kinds of actions. Not exactly bad persons. But boring.
 And selfish. They all have hot temper. Only care about their wants and 
needs. Only see what they choose and wish to see. Tend to hold grudges. 
Have a thirst for revenge. And sometimes their bites are indeed a lot 
worse than their barks.

Morelli's fiery Italian temper will 
certainly demand him to avenge his humiliation and vent his frustration.
 Stephanie will undoubtedly be the main target, and he won't be decent 
enough not to abuse the power of his police badge to harass her. He will
 also want to get all their families, mutual friends and neighbors 
involved. Of course Morelli knows he'll have to deal with Ranger should 
Stephanie get hurt, but he's certain that she will try she best to leave
 Ranger out of this. Stephanie simply hates to become a burden or 
liability to those whom she loves, and Morelli will use her "weakness" 
to his greatest advantage. And this is the reason why Ranger has Morelli
 under surveillance. He won't allow Morelli to harm Stephanie.

Ranger
 is not into giving free lessons to reluctant students. He thinks it's 
best for people to find out about their follies and flaws on their own 
and come face to face with their own devils. But he is ready to teach 
Morelli one of life's most important lessons. For free. If necessary. 
It's one thing to have a police-issued gun, a shining police badge and a
 tough-guy look. It's totally another to actually pull the trigger or 
stab the knife deep enough to kill someone. Ranger never ever likes 
Morelli. He knows Morelli is secretly afraid—or scared—of him. He REALLY
 hates it when Morelli calls Stephanie "Cupcake".

And he's simply glad that Joyce Barnhardt is out for Morelli's blood. His time is too precious to waste on stupid people.

~End of Kiss 32: Time Is Money~

Chapter 33: Babies, A Lot Of Babies

"Do you want to have kids?"

Stephanie
 almost drops her box of doughnuts upon hearing this. Her heart thunders
 in her ears as her face pales and blushes at the same time. She knows 
she's now gaping like a gold fish, but she can't help it. She's way too 
stunned, startled, nervous, hot, happy, and bothered. Does she want to 
have kids? She tries hard to search for the answer, but her brain 
suddenly shuts down and turns empty. She tries to take a deep even 
breath to calm herself down but just can't concentrate. The joyful sound
 of a baby's giggles pops out of nowhere and keeps running around in her
 head. Baby. Ranger's baby. Growing inside her belly. She starts feeling
 dizzy and excited. A little girl? Or a little boy? With Ranger's smooth
 skin, super long eyelashes and dazzling smile? And her hair and eyes? 
No, not her wild crazy and unruly curls. That will be the cruelest 
torture for any teenage boy and girl. And she loves Ranger's eyes. So 
calm. So deep. So enchanting...

"Well, you're not getting any younger."

The
 almost casual tone puts Stephanie on the verge of panic overload. Yes, 
she has thought about having her own children when Val gave birth to 
baby Lisa a couple years ago, but soon gave up. She couldn't help 
remembering the moment Val's water broke and sprayed all over Cal, and 
thus knocked him out. And everybody, EVERYBODY, knows that giving birth 
hurts. And she really doesn't like pain. And dirty diapers. And non stop
 crying baby. And what if she becomes a whale just like Val? And what if
 she, too, remains a whale? They are sisters, after all...

"The clock won't stop ticking, you know."

The
 not so subtle warning stops Stephanie from hyperventilating and snaps 
something inside her. Yes, she knows she'll be 35 in a couple years. But
 still, she is the rightful owner of her damn body. Whether she wants to
 have children with Ranger or not is none of other people's business. 
It's her decision to make. It's her choice. It's her life. It's her 
future. It's all up to her. No one, not even her own mother, has the 
right to tell her what to do! She turns around, all ready and prepared 
to give the nosy person a piece of her mind, and finds that the strange 
40-something woman is talking to the person on the other end of her 
iPhone. She stares and gapes at the woman for several long embarrassing 
seconds, and runs out of Tasty Bakery without a backward glance...

~End of Kiss 33: Babies, A Lot Of Babies~

Chapter 34: Love Me Tender, Love Me True

Helen
 can't help feeling nervous. She always wondered what it would feel like
 to ride this car, and now she finally got her wish. She likes it. She 
really does. It's all sleek and smooth and smells good inside, and it 
also makes her feel safe and powerful at the same time. This car is very
 expensive. But it's worth every penny paid for it. And that's exactly 
what worries her. It's not that she doesn't trust her own 
husband—everyone knows Franks Plum is a careful and discreet driver—it's
 just...it's just...well, Helen knows it's her birthday and Frank and 
Stephanie want to make it special for her: A single ruby red rose. A 
trip to Point Pleasant in the fancy German car. A walk on the beach. And
 a romantic dinner at a cozy restaurant. She's greatly touched and 
deeply moved, but she has not a clue what to do should anything happen 
to Ranger's Porsche. She used to go straight into the Land of Denial and
 pretended everything was perfect and fine whenever Stephanie destroyed 
Ranger's cars, but now it's no longer an option. Stephanie is with 
Ranger now, and the last thing Helen wants to do is to cause any 
possible damage to her younger child's relationship. Besides, She and 
Frank may have to sell their house to buy Ranger a new car. And that may
 not even be enough. Geez.

Frank stops at the red light and turns 
to take hold of his wife's hand. He laces their fingers together and 
gives her an assuring smile. "Everything's going to be fine." He knows 
how much Helen likes to worry about everything, and she looks cute when 
she frowns. "Trust me."

Helen locks eyes with her husband for a 
long second and gives him a small smile and a tiny nod. Frank is never a
 man of many words, and she always trusts him. And maybe Ranger won't 
let them sell the house to buy him another 911 Turbo. He's actually a 
very decent and considerate young man after all...Helen wills herself to
 focus on the pleasant day ahead of her as the Porsche speeds forward. 
And neither she nor Frank takes notice of the navy blue Ford Escape that
 abruptly pulls over at the curb not far behind.

~End of Kiss 34: Love Me Tender, Love Me True~

Chapter 35: Like Frankie Said I Did It My Way

Joe
 Morelli kills the engine, rests his head against the steering wheel of 
his navy blue Escape and closes his eyes. He knows exactly what he was 
thinking. He knows perfectly well what he was doing. And now he simply 
wants to punch himself for being such an idiot. Doing stupid things—such
 as putting the Kojak light on the top of his car and pulling over 
Ranger's Porsche—is not going to change a thing. It won't bring 
Stephanie back to his side. But he wanted to try it. He wanted to do 
something. He wanted to make Stephanie feel guilty. He wanted to punish 
her for leaving him. Because he couldn't just let go. Why? He searches 
his brain and asks himself. Why does he want her this much? Why does he 
need her this much? Is it love? Is it lust? Or is it just an old nasty 
habit that flat-out refuses to die? Morelli lets of a sigh. He's 
suddenly tired. Tired of his job. Tired of himself. Tired of everyone 
and everything in his joke of a life. Tired of searching for the answers
 of too many questions.

He has always been proud of himself. He 
has always enjoys being a cop. He has always likes the style of his 
life. But now all of a sudden his world becomes too comfortable, too 
familiar, and too small. And it's starting choking him. Maybe it's a 
sign. Maybe it's time for him to find something new in his life. Maybe 
it's time for him to meet someone else for a change. But does he have 
enough strength to walk away and move on? He honestly has no idea. He 
wishes he knows how to stop feeling sorry for himself. He wishes he 
knows how to stop loving and hating Stephanie Plum at the same time. He 
wishes he never finds out that he, Joseph Morelli, is afraid or Ranger. 
It's not a good feeling. It makes him feels like a coward and stupid. 
And maybe, just maybe, it's the real reason why he stopped his car and 
watched them go...

Morelli wills himself to stop thinking and 
restarts the car. He has no time for soul searching. His life is too 
busy and too complicated. He stops at Pino's for a large double cheese 
pizza with extra garlic and beer, and when he and all the other cops 
hear the explosion and run out to the parking lot, his brand new Ford 
Escape is already engulfed in flames.

~End of Kiss 35: Like Frankie Said I Did It My Way~

Chapter 36: It's My Life

The
 other cops inside Pino's parking lot widen their eyes and try hard to 
ignore the two rivers of tears flooding down Joe Morelli's stubbled 
cheeks. No one says a word. Because nobody knows what to say. So they 
just stand there in awkward silence watching the Escape explode into a 
huge fireball. Some of them want to giggle. Some of them wonder who 
hates Morelli this much. And the majority of them start contemplating 
the possibility of a brand new betting pool. It seems that Stephanie's 
Cayenne is here to stay. Joe Morelli's motorbike and cars, on the other 
hand, are a totally different story now. Being a police officer can be 
really distressing and frustrating. They all need a few laughs and a 
vent for their anger, stress and pressure on a daily base, and betting 
on Stephanie's blown up cars have helped them through a lot. However, 
they probably won't give Morelli a cut of the money, though. He may be 
one of their own, but he sure can be too cocky and arrogant sometimes. 
And they all like Stephanie. It's only fair that they give her a share 
of the jackpot.

The firefighters soon arrive. They, too, try hard 
not to listen to Detective Morelli's heartbroken sobs and focus on 
putting out the fire. They feel sorry for the battered Italian Stallion.
 They really do. But still they can't help feeling like sniggering at 
his incredible bad luck. It's a part of human nature, they guess. And 
yes, they'd love to join in the new betting pool. Life as a firefighter 
is full of stress, too.

Joe Morelli takes a ride back to the 
police station. He didn't finish his pizza and beer. He's exhausted and 
bone-tired, and has somehow lost all his appetite. He hears his new 
Escape weeping. He sees the ghost of his beloved Ducati. He has lost 
Stephanie to a most scary invincible rival. He has lost another battle 
to a still unknown enemy. And he has just found out how empty and lonely
 his 2-story house is without Bob last night. He doesn't know what he 
has done to deserve this. How can someone hates him so much? He's Joe 
Morelli. The only Morelli man who beat the Morelli curse. The only 
Morelli man who successfully makes something out of his life. He's a 
highly trained and praised police detective. He's fun to be with. He's 
handsome and sexy. He's Grandma Bella's favorite. Everybody, EVERYBODY, 
loves him. And he really, really wants his peace and quiet back. He just
 wants a normal life. A wife. A dog. A house and 6 cute kids. 3 boys and
 3 girls. Is that to much to ask?

The uniform cop behind the wheel
 winces and cringes as Morelli starts mumbling and crying at the same 
time. And inside a small café not far from Pino's Joyce Barnhardt smiles
 a happy smile. God, she loves her life!

~End of Kiss 36: It's. My. Life~

Chapter 37: Someday

Stephanie Manoso.

Stephanie
 whispers the name to herself and blushes a little. She recalls the 
phone conversation she overheard inside Tasty Bakery and blushes even 
more. She toys with her sea glass ring and thinks about her and Ranger. 
They are both in their 30s. The invisible clock won't stop ticking. And 
Ranger, the always calm and assertive Master of Control, doesn't do 
stupid things. Love. Ring. Condoms. No price. No strings. No 
relationship. The cars he loaned her. The money he spent for her. The 
blood he bled for her. He loves her in his own way. And she's now living
 in his apartment. With him.

Marriage and babies. Every—well, not 
every, but surely a lot of women's dream. A tall dark handsome husband. A
 sweet cozy home. A dog. A cat. Or a hamster. And a couple cute kids. 
Was she...is she one of those women? Does she share the same dream and 
want the same things? Why did she marry Dickie? Why did she start her 
unhealthy relationship with Morelli? She thought she loved Dickie and 
expected him to love her back. But instead he cheated on her with Joyce 
Barnhardt. She thought she shared something special with Morelli. But 
the sad truth is it was nothing but a lot of bad judgment and an ugly 
history. And they simply couldn't commit themselves to each other no 
matter what. She'd never seen past Dickie's facade as an ambitious 
fun-loving charming young lawyer until it was too late. She'd talked 
herself into believing she and Morelli belonged to each other because he
 was her first in just about everything. She thought she knew what she 
really needed and wanted. And both times she was wrong. Terribly wrong. 
Yes, she had been happy for a while in the beginning. But reality caught
 up with her eventually and laughed out loud in her face.

And 
Ranger is different. She trusts him like no one else. She loves him like
 no one else. It thrills her that he loves and trusts her too, and that 
he will never lie to her or hurt her. And it feels so good to be loved. 
protected and cherished...

Stephanie Manoso.

Ranger
 ends the call and silently whispers the name to himself. Yes. he's 
aware they are both in their 30s. Yes, he understands the invisible 
clock won't stop ticking. He's happy with his life right now. He still 
doesn't do stupid things. But he always does the right things and is 
almost never allergic to changes. And Stephanie Manoso does sound cute. 
He's more than certain he'll have a lot of fun teaching Stephanie to 
pronounce the family name. He unlocks the door and steps into the 
apartment, places his keys onto the silver plate and smiles as he sees 
the dreamy look on Stephanie's face. He's not ready for a second 
marriage. But he knows he does love her deeply. And he has a surprise 
for her. What has to come has to come.

5 minutes later, Stephanie 
widens her eyes and starts hyperventilating. She's going to meet 
Ranger's family. On Grandma Rosa's birthday dinner. This coming weekend.

And she has nothing to wear!

~End of Kiss 37: Someday~

Chapter 38: Batman!

Stephanie
 can't decide. Her fingers linger on the soft fabric as she sighs. One 
of her eyes is going to start twitching in any minute, she's sure of 
that. How come her life is always so full of difficult choice? She 
wonders. She looks good in the cute little cocktail dress. She looks 
good in the elegant knee-high evening dress. She also looks good in the 
sleek pant suit. But she needs to choose one. She can't buy or wear all 
of them at the same time. Once again she debates with herself, but still
 can't reach a decision. She turns to look at the man she loves with 
pleading eyes. Her heart skips a beat as Ranger gives her a rare full-on
 smile, and she's pretty sure she just heard the saleslady moaned 
dreamily beside her.

Stephanie forces herself to concentrate back 
on the task at hand. She's glad Batman is having fun, but she's 
desperately in need of his help. She simply has no idea what to wear to 
Grandma Rosa's birthday dinner. She wants to leave a good impression. 
She wants to be beautiful and smart and fun and clever. She wants the 
Bat Family to like her. She doesn't want them to think she's not good 
enough for Ranger. Her anxious eyes follow Ranger as he goes to a rack 
and picks out a dress.

A perfect dress.

Stephanie gapes at 
her own reflection in the mirror and feels faint. Ranger does know 
everything. Everything. The creamy ivory dress fits her perfectly. And 
she looks just like Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday...

~End of Kiss 38: Batman!~

Chapter 39: I Dream A Dream

The
 whole room falls quiet the moment they enter. Stephanie looks around 
and officially becomes frightened. Familiar faces. Friendly smiles. And 
all those mischievous and curious eyes. She grabs hold of Ranger's 
arm(yes, in a death grip) and nervously blinks. She tries very hard not 
to feel small or scared. They are Ranger's family. They are not going to
 eat her. They will probably just bury her with tons of questions. And 
the problem is she doesn't know if she has all the answers.

She 
knows her smile must look more like a grimace, but that's the best she 
can manage at this moment. She hopes her eyes are not twitching. She 
hopes she looks smart and competent. She hopes she won't knock over and 
smash something and make herself look stupid. She hopes Ranger's family 
will like her. She hopes they will approve of her. She hopes she can 
remember all the names and the faces. She hopes she knows what to do if 
they decide she's not good enough for their Carlos. She leans into 
Ranger's side and feels his warmth. She relaxes and calms down a little 
when he wraps an arm around her. They now share a life and are in this 
together. And the fact that she knows he won't let go of her helps her 
breathe more easily.

Stephanie soon forgets her awkwardness once 
the dinner begins. The food is amazing and delicious. She laughs along 
when someone tells a joke. She raises her glass and drinks to the 
toasts. And it doesn't take long for her to find that she really, really
 likes Grandma Rosa and Ranger's parents—Isabela reminds her of her 
always worrying mother, and it's apparent that Ranger got his smile from
 Juan Carlos. Grandma Rosa is so stern but so sweet. And Stephanie also 
knows that Ranger's elder brother and sisters and aunts and uncles and 
cousins are all trying their best to refrain from asking her all kinds 
of most interesting but embarrassing questions. Maybe it's because they 
are being kind and thoughtful and considerate. Maybe it's because Ranger
 is sitting beside her with a charming yet somewhat intimidating smile 
on his face. She appreciates their efforts anyway.

She actually 
jumps in joy when Sofía and Ariana—Ranger's elder sisters—hand her a 
large box of leftovers and a giant chunk of the birthday cake and falls 
asleep on the drive home. When she wakes up the next morning, she's all 
alone in the 7-floor apartment. Ranger, as usual, has already gone to 
work. Stephanie lies in the heavenly king-size bed thinking. She has no 
memory of Ranger carrying her from the Turbo to their bed or undressing 
her, but she remembers her dream vividly. She blushes fiercely and 
covers her face.

She has just dreamed of their wedding. And their baby, the Batbaby...

~End of Kiss 39: I Dream A Dream~

Chapter 40: The Look Of Love

Joyce
 Barnhardt walks into Pino's and comes face to face with Stephanie Plum.
 She never ever likes Stephanie Plum. They have been sworn enemies ever 
since they were both little girls. And she flat-out hates those wild 
crazy curls. She almost died of jealousy upon hearing the news of 
Stephanie's marriage to Dickie Orr, a smart and sly budding lawyer with a
 bright future. So she intervened and smashed Stephanie's happiness—or 
saved her from a life worse than Hell, depending on your point of view, 
she guesses—right on the beautiful dining table(oh yes, by the way, it's
 actually the wedding present from Mr. and Mrs. Plum). Joyce thinks of 
all the grudges between them and smiles to herself as Stephanie frowns. 
She raises her eyebrow and looks straight into those narrowed blue-eyes,
 and for the very first time in a long long while feels nothing. Nothing
 at all.

No adversary. No resentment. No dislike. No jealousy. No nothing.

Joyce
 can't help feeling a little bit surprised. Maybe she has finally moved 
on. Maybe she has finally grown up. The woman whom she has spent so much
 time to hate is right in front of her eyes, and somehow all of a sudden
 it doesn't matter anymore. The smile on her face widens into a grin. 
She grabs hold of Stephanie's free hand and shakes it, and then walks 
into the dining area to find herself a table.

Stephanie gapes. The
 diners and the waitresses gawk. And Joyce smiles while studying the 
menu and remains oblivious to the world. Weird things do happen 
everyday, everyone soon decides and moves on with their busy life. 22 
minutes later, a deflated and red-eyed Joe Morelli walks in and sits 
down at his usual table with his shoulders slumped. He orders his usual 
large pizza with extra garlic and cheese and his usual beer in a quiet 
and still shaky voice. He nods to his co-workers and acquaintances but 
doesn't speak much. He looks up to see if his late lunch is ready and 
sees Joyce. She's eating alone. She looks happy and eerily beautiful 
under the bright light.

And at that moment, Joseph A. Morelli falls in love.

~End of Kiss 40: The Look Of Love~

Chapter 41: Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart

Not
 many people know this, but Pino's actually serves very good salads. 
Joyce Barnhardt closes her eyes and almost moans in pleasure as she 
enjoys the taste of the greenish golden extra virgin olive oil. She 
likes extra virgin olive oils. She likes ripe tomatoes and crunchy 
lettuces. She likes the wonderful sweetness of the mango. And now she 
also likes her life. She has money and cars and real estates. She has 
Apple stocks. And she doesn't hate Stephanie Plum any more. She wishes 
Stephanie has a good life and lives happily ever after with Ranger. 
Joyce spears a piece of fried potato with her fork and smiles a 
merciless smile. Oh yes, she wishes pain and jealousy stab through Joe 
Morelli's heart whenever he sees Stephanie and Ranger together. She 
wishes Joe Morelli lives in regrets and loneliness and dies in agony and
 sorrow.

She's no longer the lonely frightened heartbroken 
13-year-old girl, but she still hates the now 35-year-old man who took 
her virginity and tossed her away. Joyce takes a sip of her iced tea and
 calms herself. She's a smart woman. She always gets what she wants. And
 now she wants her revenge. She wants Joe Morelli to pay for what he did
 to her 20 years ago. She wants him to suffer. She wants him to have a 
taste of her pain, her fear, and her humiliation. And she will let go 
and move on when justice is served. Or when she has had enough 
fun...Joyce feels a presence at her back and turns her head. She narrows
 her eyes at a nervously smiling Joe Morelli and frowns at the smell of 
sweat and cheap cologne.

Joe Morelli looks at the red-haired woman
 he has known almost all his life with longing and fear. He has never 
ever felt this way toward a woman, any woman. Not even Terry. Not even 
Stephanie. He always has his way with women of all ages and backgrounds,
 but now he's sudden unsure. There's something different with Joyce, he 
notices. She's no longer the man-eater who always, ALWAYS flashes a 
seductive smile and licks her blood-red lips upon seeing him. She seems 
colder and much more distant. But he likes the change in her. It makes 
him want to be with her and to know about her. The real her. The woman 
hides inside the notorious Joyce Barnhardt.

His smile becomes 
braver as he remembers he's her first. Women can't get over their first.
 Look at Terry. Look at Carol. Look at Amy. Look at Jamie. Look at 
Maria. Look at Kim...Look at Stephanie—well, it did take her years to 
break away from their unhealthy on-and-off relationship and move in with
 Ranger, did it not? Maybe he can help her recall the memory and 
rekindle whatever he had between them...

"Fuck off, Muffin."

People
 inside Pino's stare and gawk. Joe Morelli starts to twitch and froth 
and drop to the floor. Joyce Barnhardt puts her taser back into her 
Grace Kelly Bag and pays her bill. And for the very first time in her 
life, she leaves the waitress a huge tip.

~End of Kiss 41: Something's Gotten Hold Of My Heart~

Chapter 42: Every Breath You Take

Stephanie
 frowns and thinks really hard, but still she can't make a decision. 
She's going to buy Ranger something. Something beautiful, nice and 
special. Something unique and suits him perfectly. His birthday is 
coming up in a little more than a month, and she has never ever given 
him anything, not even a birthday card. The birthday cake she bought him
 didn't count. He only had one very small slice, and she somehow ate the
 rest all by herself...Stephanie's eyes glaze over as she recalls the 
memory of Ranger kissing the lemon cream cheese filling off her 
lips...and the cake did say, "Happy Birthday Stanley". Stephanie 
grimaces a little as she sobers up. And now the problem is she has no 
idea what that "something" is.

What will be the perfect gift for 
someone who already has everything? Ranger already has more than enough 
Swiss-made military watches as well as state of the art cell phones and 
computers. He owns office buildings and other real estates in different 
cities, and has a fleet of powerful sexy cars and a lot of guns. He no 
longer wears earrings or necklaces. And he's still allergic to rings. 
And Stephanie doesn't want to give Ranger ties and cuff links. Ties and 
cuff links are the kind of gifts people give their fathers or 
grandfathers on Christmas.

She blows out a defeated sigh. For the 
very first time in a long, long while, she actually has savings in the 
bank, and she no longer has to worry about rent money and bills and 
budgets for new crappy cars and groceries. Because Ranger takes care of 
everything. And Stephanie can't help feeling awkward and a little 
embarrassed about it. She never wants to become or feel like a 
liability. She wants to be Ranger's equal, independent and capable 
partner. She wants to pay her share and make some contributions. She has
 tried to discuss it with Ranger, but he just looked at her in the eyes,
 reached out a hand to ruffle her hair and said, "Babe," with a small 
smile on his face before gathering her in his arms and kissing her 
senseless. And when Stephanie woke up next to Ranger the next morning, 
she realized it was his way to tell her "End of discussion, Babe".

Maybe
 it's a Latino male thing. Maybe it's an alpha-male thing. Or maybe it's
 a Ranger thing. Stephanie didn't bring up the subject again. But it 
doesn't stop her from wanting to do something, anything, for the man she
 loves. Thanks God she has a month's time to find the most perfect 
birthday present. Too bad she can't sell her hair to buy a platinum fob 
chain. Ranger doesn't have a pocket watch. And she's pretty sure nobody 
will want to buy her wild crazy curls...

~End of Kiss 42: Every Breath You Take~

Chapter 43: Can't Believe You Are Mine

The
 weather suddenly changes and cool rain starts to fall. A flash of 
lightning lightened up the late night sky. A distant thunder roars. 
Stephanie lies alone in the heavenly king-size bed with her eyes wide 
open. She listens to the raindrops and the wind. Ranger is out there 
somewhere trying to bring in yet another dangerous vicious and maybe 
crazy criminal. He probably won't be back until tomorrow morning. She 
can't sleep. She's just a tiny little bit lonely. She can still see the 
beautiful intensity in his almost black eyes. She can still taste the 
gentle lingering good-night kiss he placed on her lips. But she misses 
the heat of his perfect body. She misses the firm touch of his tender 
hands. She misses him. The apartment is too quiet and too empty without 
him. And she's now officially worried. Another week has flown by. She's 
still in search of the perfect birthday gift.

Stephanie lets out a
 defeated sigh, wraps Ranger's pillow in her arms and starts to think. 
Maybe she can give him an unforgettable memory. Maybe she can put on a 
skintight black leather suit and dress up as Catwoman? Nope, bad idea. 
Skintight black leather suit reminds her of Scrog. Catwoman reminds her 
of the ever so perfect Jeanne Ellen Burrows. Eew! and double eew. Maybe 
she can put on some sexy lace lingerie and get a pair of those hot pink 
leopard print fluffy cuffs? Wait...lace lingerie and leopard print 
fluffy cuffs? Stephanie's eyes start to twitch as Vinnie's smirking face
 suddenly pops up in her mind. She's not that into bondage anyway. Geez.

Or
 maybe she can buy him a bottle of massage oil and wrap herself in 
nothing but ribbons and bows? She sucks at tying ribbons and bows, but 
Ranger did show interest in the bottle of cherry-flavored massage 
oil...Stephanie's eyes glaze over at the memory of the tip of Ranger's 
tongue on her oiled palm. Yes, she believes she has found the perfect 
gift for Ranger. Now if she can learn a few tricks and tips about full 
body massage...and won't pass out from over-excitement...

Yum.

~End of Kiss 43: Can't Believe You Are Mine~

Chapter 44: We Don't Need Another Hero

Joyce
 Barnhardt takes one last look around the modest empty 2-story house 
that holds a lot of memories for her. This is where she swore to herself
 that one day she would be rich and sexy and powerful and strong. This 
is where she decided to throw her pride and dignity away and sell 
herself to the Devil. This is where she first experienced joy, 
happiness, pain, and torment. This is where her only brother died at the
 young age of 16 one winter dawn. This is where sorrow and depression 
silently and gradually consumed her heartbroken mother. This is where 
her always tired and distant father sealed himself away from the whole 
Goddamn fucking world. This is where she grew up. This is her childhood 
home. This is the piece of real estate she has just sold to a nice 
couple from Brazil. Joyce's hand lingers on the wooden door frame for a 
fraction of a second. It's time to move on and let go.

Her father 
lost his battle with liver failure and was buried next to her brother 
years ago. Her mother died in her sleep several months later in the 
asylum. She has no family left. She's all alone. She will be lying if 
she says she is not lonely, but she does enjoy the feeling of being on 
her own. And now she has also admitted to herself that she has many 
regrets. She knows she's not exactly a good person. She doesn't have 
many friends. She knows she has never been a good wife or 
daughter-in-law. She has never hesitated to hurt or manipulate people to
 get what she wants. She chooses not to have a pet because she's afraid 
even her own dog or cat won't trust or like her. But things are going to
 change now. Joyce closes and locks the door and firmly assures herself.
 She's a different woman now. She's thinking about starting a new 
career, and she won't rule out the possibility of moving to a new city. A
 new state. Or a new country. Joyce walks toward her brand new silvery 
green Lexus and abruptly stops as her eyes fall upon the tall dark movie
 star handsome and a bit nervous man standing across the street by a 
blue Ford Escape.

Joe Morelli.

He has been following her 
everywhere like a lost puppy. She has tried all her best to get rid out 
him. But just like an extraordinarily annoying persistent fly, he simply
 wouldn't go away no matter how many times she tasered him or kneed him 
in the groin. Maybe it's time to change strategy and be creative. Joyce 
narrows her eyes and quickly decides. She won't be able to move on with 
her new life with unwanted baggage. So she does an standard Burg eye 
roll, lets out an audible sigh and puts on a barely there tiny smile, as
 if she has finally given in to his charm. Her smile grows wider and 
sweeter as Joe Morelli comes toward her with shining sexy eyes and a big
 happy grin. Men are so easy. Joyce tries hard not to snort. She knows 
what he's thinking. She can almost see his tail wagging. Yes, she will 
go home with him. Yes, she will get him naked. Yes, she will run her 
hands through his dense chest hair. Yes, she will stop to admire his 
eagle tattoo.

And yes, she will make the most of his police issued handcuffs...

~End of Kiss 44: We Don't Need Another Hero~

Chapter 45: The Truth Will Set Us Free?

"Silk
 is boring and not very animal friendly. They have to boil silk worms 
alive to get silk, so you'll be covered in zillions and zillions of 
silkworms' dead bodies, White Girl. The ghosts of the dead worms are 
gonna demand revenge and haunt somebody, and you can very much be that 
somebody. Now how romantic is that?"

Awkward silence drops like a 
bomb. No one can utter a word or make a sound for a whole uncomfortable 
minute. Both Connie and the elegant-looking sales lady of the high-end 
lingerie boutique gape and cringe. And Stephanie's left eye starts to 
twitch.

"Geez, Lula, that's too much information." Connie finally 
says and puts a hand over her heart. She winces as she desperately tries
 to wipe the disturbing picture of cooked worms from her mind. "You need
 to stop watching Discovery and National Geographic already."

"What?
 No way. I loooooove Discovery and National Geographic. They provide us 
with the newest knowledge every day. And I also have to watch Animal 
Planet. I am trying to become a cat person. Because nothing good is 
gonna happen if you force your man to choose between you and his cats. 
And we all know Stephanie will look like a vampire chick in that silk 
nightie." Lula raises both her eyebrows and stubbornly insists. "Black 
is not her color. She's too white. She needs to wear something cute and 
fluffy. And she's not exactly the sexy kitten type, if you know what I 
mean."

Stephanie narrows her eyes and crosses her arms in front of
 her chest indignantly and defensively as the three women's attention 
suddenly and not so subtly focuses on her 100 percent genuine but sadly 
sort of modest breasts. WHAT? Stephanie fiercely thinks. Ranger has 
never ever complained about her...assets. He is not the shallow kind of 
man who judges a woman by her body. What they have between them is much,
 much more than sex and lust. Though she herself is not all that happy 
about the unpleasant fact that she's in need of the help of push-up bras
 sometimes. But everyone knows beauty is only skin deep. Right?

RIGHT?

The
 sales lady soon regains her composure and once again puts on her polite
 professional smile. Luckily they also have some most exquisite lingerie
 and nightwear made in France with the finest organic Egyptian cotton. 
And they come in all shades of beautiful colors. Stephanie happily sighs
 as she and her loyal friends leave the store a little more than an hour
 later. She has already bought a book about full body massage. Now all 
she has to do is go get some ribbons and bows and choose a perfect 
bottle of flavored massage oil...

And hopefully Ranger will like his new black organic cotton boxers.

~End of Kiss 45: The Truth Will Set Us Free?~

Chapter 46: C'est la Vie

Joe
 Morelli tries his best to remain calm and positive. He is a smart and 
strong man, a fearless police detective. He has been through a lot of 
difficult situations, and he realizes the importance of the ability to 
contemplate his options with a clear and fully functioning mind under 
stressful conditions. He's now facing an extremely tough, tricky and 
challenging predicament, and he can't afford to make one single mistake.
 Too much is at stake. He has his reputation, his ego, his pride and 
dignity to consider. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life as 
the laughing stock of the whole Trenton. This is, after all, real life, 
not another stupid, tacky episode of Jersey Shore, for crying out loud.

He
 thinks of the events of the previous night and blows out yet another 
grim, defeated sigh. Life can be a cruel joke sometimes. He knows 
perfectly well he has two choices. But neither of both looks appealing. 
And time is running out. He doesn't want to be a loser. He doesn't want 
to be a wuss. He always, always wants and needs to be in control. He 
doesn't want to face public humiliation. He doesn't want to taint his 
family name. He's a Morelli! For God's sake. But he has ever never felt 
this way before...

All of a sudden the menacing gleam in Joyce's 
beautiful twinkling eyes pops up in his head, and her hearty throaty 
laughter rings in his ears. He knows he should be angry with her. He 
knows he should demand revenge and have her arrested. But he also knows 
he's under the spell of her charm. He obeyed her order happily and 
eagerly without questioning. Her evil scheming mind turned him on. Her 
cold resistance and merciless rejection only made him want her more. 
He's still willing to be her slave. He's dying to taste the sting of her
 whip again. He can't wait to be trampled upon by the sharp heels of her
 blood-red boots. And he moans as he recalls the pain and pleasure she 
gave him when she cuffed him and waxed his chest with duct tape...

Joe
 Morelli snaps himself from the happy memories. He has to deal with the 
problem at hand before he figures out a way to have Joyce in his bed. 
His body is stark naked. His chest is currently as hairless and smooth 
as a plucked turkey. Both his hands are cuffed—yes, by his police-issued
 handcuffs—and chained to his own shower curtain rod. And his cell phone
 is within his sight but sadly out of reach. He uses all his strength to
 pull at the rod, but has to give up again as it remains firmly bolted 
to the wall. Where was he? He tries hard to concentrate and think. Oh, 
yes, he has two choices. His fellow cops will eventually come check on 
him when(He's supposed to show up for work 3 hours ago). His mother(or 
one of his aunts) will probably drop in to do the cleaning and laundry 
and fill his refrigerator with homemade pastas and cakes in the 
afternoon. He can wait till they arrive and then ask for help. His nosy 
gossiping neighbors don't have to know. They already have enough 
excitement in everyday life...

Or he can start screaming for help 
right now. Beads and beads of sweat fall down Morelli's brow as he 
frowns and thinks. He's really not sure if his mother or aunt will come 
over today. And there's great possibility that his brothers and sisters 
in blue won't give a damn about his absence...until the swarm of flies 
show up and his dead body smells and all his neighbors start to 
protest...

No! He can't die like this! He wants to have a future 
with the red-haired woman he's in love with! What if one of the scumbags
 he arrested breaks in and kills him? What if a fire breaks out and 
burns him alive? What if a massive destructive earthquake comes, 
destroys his house and buries him alive? He doesn't want to die! He 
frantically struggles against the handcuffs and bravely opens his mouth.

"Help..." Joe Morelli whimpers. "Somebody help..."

Outside
 the nice cozy 2-story house, dogs bark, butterflies fly, birds tweet, 
humans laugh and cats meow. No one is really paying attention to the 
timid, uncertain calls of help...

~End of Kiss 46: C'est la Vie~

Chapter 47: Happy Birthday, Batman

Ranger
 walks through the silent apartment to the bedroom. He takes off his 
clothes and yawns, and goes for a shave and a shower. He turns on the 
water, closes his eyes, and exhales a sigh as soothing hot water streams
 down his tired body. He just had a busy but fulfilling day, and he 
hasn't slept in 32 hours. He and his team had been working around the 
clock tracking down a couple extremely elusive high-bond skips. And, 
luckily, one of the FBI's most-wanted fugitives happened to take a wrong
 turn and run straight into them on the way to TPD. Everybody—except for
 the 3 probably still unconscious criminals, of course—is happy. Vinnie 
is thrilled and greatly relieved. The police is actually grinning. The 
grim-looking FBI agents are practically giddy. His partners and 
employees will benefit from RangeMan's profit...

And somehow all his black silk boxers are missing.

Ranger
 stands frozen in the walk-in closet and stares at the empty drawer for a
 full minute. Stephanie. He gives his head an almost imperceptible shake
 and smiles. He knows Stephanie is up to something. She's never good at 
hiding secrets from him. She keeps on sneaking peeks at him whenever she
 thinks he's not looking, and she looks exceptionally cute when blushing
 fiercely. He knows his birthday is coming. He will turn 34 this coming 
Sunday. And he finds the dreamy, longing, expectant look in her shining 
blue eyes most intriguing. But what happened to his boxers? What do they
 have to do with the birthday surprise she's planning for him? She's not
 going to wash, iron and then fold them perfectly, is she? She's going 
to give him a full body massage. He's sure of that. Did she change her 
mind at the last minute? He will have to wait and see. She does remind 
him of a curious, playful and affectionate cat from time to time. And 
maybe he fell in love with her when he looked at her pretty, serious 
face and saw her courage and determination the first time they met...

He
 closes his eyes and immediately falls sound asleep. The afternoon sun 
shines through the windows and dances across the floor. A small smile 
steals its way onto his lips as he smiles in his dream. The woman he 
loves leans against the bedroom door as her heart skips a beat.

How can you love someone this much? Silently she asks herself, but she honestly has no idea...

~End of Kiss 47: Happy Birthday, Batman~

Chapter 48: Somebody That I Used To Know

Joyce
 steps on the gas and drives toward New York City. She's going to have a
 bagel once she gets there. Cream cheese and blueberry, her favorite. 
Yum. Maybe she will also visit the place that sells all kinds of peanut 
butter sandwiches. And do some sightseeing on top of the Empire State 
building. She always likes New York. It's so glamorous, so alive, so 
indifferent, and so free. Just her kind of city. Maybe she will do some 
shopping at the farmers' market. Maybe she will try her luck to see if 
she can dine at a fancy restaurant without reservation. Maybe she will 
buy something from a street vendor. Maybe she will leave Trenton and 
move here, and finally meet her Mr. Right and start her own family. Who 
knows? Joyce smiles and and starts to whistle. Life is full of chances 
and possibilities. And now she is a totally different girl. The moment 
she tore the duct tape off Joe Morell's no longer hairy chest and heard 
his painful scream, something snapped inside her and all her lingering 
affection and longing for him disappeared. She had been secretly in love
 with Joe ever since she was 11 or 12, she suddenly realized, but now 
her love was gone without a trace, just like melted snow. Kids, dog, 
white picket fence. All the things that had ever haunted her dreams 
ceased to matter in a blink. She looked into Joe's beautiful teary 
melted chocolate eyes and thought of the night she gave herself to him, 
and then turned to leave Joe's lovely 2-story house without a word or a 
backward glance.

He surely is handsome and attractive in a bad boy
 way. He surely is someone you want to brag about in front of a bunch of
 silly, lonely housewives that have never ever left Jersey. But he is 
not the man she wants to have in her life. He's not the man she wants to
 love for the rest of her life. He's more like an old, unhealthy 
addiction. He's just the stupid arrogant boy who took her virginity 
without even stopping to kiss her waiting lips. He's but an entry, an 
event of her history. He's the the illusion she once thought she wanted 
and loved. He's but somebody that she used to know. The things he did to
 her. The things he did to all the other girls and Stephanie. The fact 
that his mother and grandma never give a damn to his behavior. Joyce 
breathes deeply and shakes her head. She's glad she woke up in time and 
finally saw through the magic trick. She drives on and feels happy. Yes,
 she will sold her house and Hello Kitty collection to the nice polite 
Japanese couple. The price is better than right. She can use the money 
to restart her life.

Or buy herself a hot pink Lamborghini.

~End of Kiss 48: Somebody That I Used To Know~

Chapter 49: Oh Boy

He
 sometimes dreams of the time when he was sent to Miami to live with his
 mother's family. He was a silent, angry kid. His grandparents, uncles 
and aunts, on the other hand, had a world of time, love and patience. 
They took him to little Havana. They bought him his first ever cup of 
authentic Cuban coffee in a small but crowded diner. They took him to 
the beach and other beautiful places only known by the locals and less 
frequented by the tourists. His grandfather introduced him to the world 
of literature and poetry. His grandmother taught him how to cook. Uncle 
Xavier, his mother's older brother and an instructor at the Ranger 
School, taught him how to fight. He went to movies, concerts and parties
 with his cousins. He made new friends and went to school. He grew 
stronger and felt confident and happy with himself and his life. He 
graduated with decent grades and was accepted by Rutgers. He left home 
and headed to Jersey. He dropped out of college and joined the Army. He 
returned from his first overseas deployment and went back to Miami to 
attend his grandfather's funeral. He ran into Rachel, a sweet 
neighborhood girl who'd been having a crush on him ever since the first 
time they met, at the New Year's party. He was sad, lonely, frustrated, 
and a little drunk. And that night Julie was conceived...

A lot of
 things happened after that. A rushed wedding. More overseas 
deployments. A quiet divorce. His father's scowl. His mother's tears. 
His grandmother's sigh. He grew into the man he now is. He'd had enough 
of death and war. He left the Army. He slept on cold bare floor and 
lived on tree bark and twigs. He contemplated about his life and future.
 He started bounty hunting. He teamed up with Tank. He made good money. 
Connie did him a favor, and then he met Stephanie...

"Babe," 
Ranger says with his eyes closed, "you are groping me." The pair of 
warm, sneaky, exploring hands freeze. Not very far from a very sensitive
 part of his body. He opens his eyes and smiles. It doesn't take long 
for him to make the woman he loves forget everything in the world but 
him. Including the fact that she forgot her pill this morning...

~End of Kiss 49: Oh Boy...~

~~The End~~

A Not Exactly Empty Shelf —Stories by Two Guns And A Knife In One Long Chapter

Friday, July 20, 2012

Naughty 19

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